Changes

9 Aug

Cha-changes.  They seem to be everywhere.  Changes on the inside.  Changes on the outside… and not just for me… this gypsy wanderer from New Orleans…  I am sitting in room number three in the “small dojo”  at the seminar haus in Wettenbostel savoring a bowl of muesli with strawberries (erdbeeren…) and bananas.  Still sort of basking in the wake of the Friends and Reiki weekend….an extended journey in Reiki with Reiki Masters and practitioners gathering from Holland, Germany and Austria… lots of Reiki treatments!

The theme that jumped out from the weekend was…changes.  It was interesting to see that everyone at the gathering was in major life transition in some way.  We took an evening to share about our transitions.  The common theme in our changes and desire for changes was… Balance.  Balance in our lives and relationships, with our food, our family, the world around us.  Balance within.  And balance with our work and play and the way that we create and earn money in the world.  We shared and took note of what really mattered to each of us… and perhaps wondering where we went astray from that… and looking at… what is next.

For me personally, so much of my adult life has been dedicating to healing.  It wasn’t until my past year in New Orleans that I finally began to experience a deeper, quieter place in myself. A place in me where I could just… ahhh… exhale fully.  I felt the need to keep my life really basic.  This included minimal financial responsibilities, simple responsibilities with work and minimal responsibilities in relationships.   I house-sat in two different homes my past year in New Orleans.  My job was selling Shiitake Mushrooms at our local farmers market for a very kind Mississippi farmer.  The simplicity of this space gave me time and energy just to be with me.  I can recall walking by myself along the train tracks near where I was staying feeling something begin to settle in my bones.  Me.

And then of course what started to happen in my life?  You guessed it.  Changes!  My furniture in a leaky storage unit got damaged from mold… nearly everything had to be thrown away.  The house where I was house-sitting sold… yeah for the house… but what next?… and then my lovely 1996 Ford Taurus which I bought in Austin, Texas shortly after Hurricane Katrina let me know life was heading for changes.  It broke down beyond repair.  I gratefully sold it to a mechanic who was willing to take it off my hands… and then I was, well, perhaps free…

As these changes happened so quickly for me, it was a little more than my brain could sort through and organize, so I reached out for support.  I contacted Maureen Pua’ena O’Shaughnessy, a Reiki Master in Hawaii who also works as an intuitive guide, and scheduled a phone session with her.   She assured me that all of these changes at once were an opportunity to see what I really wanted – that it was indeed possible to have a good healthy work life, earn money, have a place to live where I loved and still have and cultivate the peace and soft pace I had started to love, nurture and need in my life.  And she let me know that as I became an “energetic match” for that life, that which I wanted and needed – including a satisfying but balanced and well paid work life…would show up in my world.  And if I wasn’t quite a match for it yet… if I still needed to grow, then something else juicy would come along in the meantime –  like a trip or travel… and here I am in Europe.  Growing.  Restoring.  Exploring the texture and feel of balance for me in my life.

One area of growth for me is… well in truth… people.  All of them.  Most of them… I can tend to feel… uneasy around… people.  This is not some prejudice I have towards people…  I can also be uneasy around dogs, bees and other various creatures.  But while I began to find my comfort in me, I am still exploring extending that same comfort within myself when I am not by myself.  This weekend at Friends and Reiki was an excellent chance to shake up my comfort zone a little bit and extend myself… and it was… well, uncomfortable.   I was surprised at my feeling of inner panic as if noone asked me to dance at the high school prom. I wanted to run and hide when the group arrived, like I was four years old hanging on to my mothers leg.  But the joy of the weekend came from poking myself out a bit more than usual… connected conversations, playing the drums with others, even playing a little guitar and singing together… things that I secretly desired to do with others, but prior to this had almost exclusively done them by myself all alone…  ah…Balance.

And today my gypsy is tugging at my sleeve again as I prepare to travel to a new place.  Like Mary Poppins packing up my bag and heading off… to where the wind blows. Tomorrow  I will join Marijke Lemmen, a friend in Reiki and Reiki Master as she returns home to Holland.  The situations in my life shift so quickly-like the weather here in Wettensbostel, cold in the morning, sunny midday, stormy by afternoon… except when, perhaps the sun might peek out again…  Totally unexpected.

So life moves on.  And how great it is to be connected with others… changing and balancing.  Perhaps you are too… it seems to be a phenomenon these days.  I have started sending Reiki energy to the idea of change and balance in my life and to those who were at the Reiki gathering.  A little extra support as things spin and shift within us reflected in our outside world.

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Unburdening

2 Aug

You may have noticed that I have a new heading and name on my blog… gypsy woman!  And yes a wandering flower at that.  How does one become a gypsy woman you may ask?  I suppose it all starts when you begin to go with the flow, listen to within… and finally take a leap. That and losing all of your personal belongings… twice… doesn’t hurt…  I got a clue of my impending wandering ways while staying at someone’s home in New Orleans.  She gave me the book called “Tales of a Female Nomad“…  Was she trying to tell me something?…

I have always had a little bit of a nomad in me, from living in London for a semester in college, summers in California and Wisconsin while studying in college, and then, later taking a 6 week drive around the United States in my early 30s…friends wondering and asking… what are you doing?… and even, what are you running from?

All wandering aside, I must say this transition into and passage of adulthood has been quite… unexpected.  Beginning with my launch out of college it became clear that I had to put MY plans aside, because something else was happening… something else was going on.  Just months before graduation from the University of Tulsa I found myself… paralyzed… I was unable to concentrate, couldn’t stop obsessive thoughts.  I was locked in fear and feeling like I needed to try to hide it from everyone around me.  I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, was highly anxious and sheepishly found my way to the college counseling center.  They sent me home to my family for a long weekend break… then I returned to school and white knuckled my way through the rest of the semester.  After graduation rather than big jobs and opportunity, I found great humility as I was barely able to function let alone just be.  I began seeing a therapist.  As I sat in her office sobbing for reasons I did not understand, she eventually put me on antidepressants and that was the beginning of my relationship with Paxil.  30mg a day… Years later I spoke with the woman who was my therapist and she encouraged me to see that time in my life as a beginning.  And a beginning it was… of unpacking… unleashing.. and God, eventually just learning, some days, to let it be…

The antidepressants did not light up my life, but quieted my mind enough so I could function in the world.  Despite my general melancholy, I was able to work a few years in St. Louis and then I chose to go to graduate school at the University of Missouri, Columbia to prepare for a career in Student Affairs at Colleges and Universities. This led me to my job at Newcomb College at Tulane University and… beautiful New Orleans!

New Orleans was and has been… a trip.  After three years in the University environment I left for new adventures.  I moved from the University neighborhood to an area known as Mid-City near Bayou St. John.  I found myself surrounded by a pedestrian community, coffee shops and artists.  It was the sort of neighborhood I had always dreamed of living in.  But in this experience, there was one thing I needed to attend to… the next order of business in my life… it was…getting off of antidepressants.

I had been on Paxil at this point for about ten years.  I had no experience of myself as an adult without them, could only imagine what sex might be like without being on them and also thought, gosh if I got pregnant what would these things do to a baby?…  Previously, whenever I would try to get off of them my body, mind and emotions would react so severely I just decided that I was not “ready” yet.  But this time was different.  My conviction was clean and determined and I was clear that this was the end of me and antidepressants.  I was working a seasonal job for the local Jazz Festival, a chaotic yet creative place to work.  The doctor I saw who wrote my prescriptions for Paxil asked… are you sure this is the best time to do this… and I thought… it is as good a time as any…

Getting off of antidepressants was a major transition time in my life. It may have been worse than the experience that had them prescribed to me in the first place…  I gave up everything I didn’t need in my life so I could keep it as simple as possible as my mind and my emotions were erratic and in a very brittle state.  I even gave up my car so I would not have a need to work more to earn the money to pay for it… …  I joined an on-line support group of other people getting off Paxil that I found through an on-line search.  It was a nice anonymous way to be supported and to see and hear that there were other people having the challenges that I was.  Many people on the site were very angry and felt misled by the medication as its side effects and withdrawal symptoms at the time were not disclosed.  For me and other people, Paxil is one of those antidepressants that is difficult to stop taking.  I used tools like a pill cutter to cut my pill in half, then in half and half of half so that I could oh so easily and gently wean myself off of this…  finding comfort in my on-line support group that the symptoms I was experiencing were not unique to me and in fact a reaction to getting off the drug.  I experienced strange flashes of pain in my brain like synapses, nausea and my level of anxiety was off the charts.  And I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  When I initially got on the drug no one mentioned that it would be difficult to discontinue use.  I began to buy things like herbal tea to help me to relax a little to try to get to sleep at night…

One day I met a man named Mahdi Fard at the local coffee shop.  He was writing a book and was part of a healing team exploring methods for life and spiritual growth.  I soon met his wife Stephanie Jupiter and other members of the team and found myself working and learning with them.   One of their messages was a commitment to excellence and that first we have to make a commitment to excellence for ourselves.  That inspired me to be my champion in my effort to heal and be whole without antidepressants and I began with attending a yoga class once a week.  Yoga, a new practice for me and something I found quite foreign at the time, became a place where for an hour and a half  I could begin to lay my burdens down.  I took classes with a soft and caring instructor,  Sean Johnson, the owner of a studio called Wild Lotus Yoga in New Orleans.  The studio was about 5 miles away from my apartment and I made a commitment to ride my bicycle there every week.  It was a challenge at first, but soon it became my bliss.  My refuge. That weekly class was a pillar for me and I looked forward to it to get me from week to week.  The class was so gentle and kind and loving as my body slowly started to soften, relax and open up.

It turned out that one of my neighbors in my apartment building, Scott Attias, was a Licensed Massage Therapist.  We got to talking one day and agreed that we would do a trade with each other… I would design some promotional materials for his massage therapy practice in exchange for therapeutic massage for me.  I had never had professional massage before and was not all that comfortable with the idea of being touched, but my body and my being were aching so much I knew I had to take this direction.  I could not have asked for a more gentle and kind person to assist me in healing at that time.  I was in such a fragile state and he was able and willing to be with me in that space and treated me very gently without judgement.  He also turned me on to an author named Catherine Ponder and specifically her book called the Prospering Power of Love.  I used this book like a lifeline to get me through the day.  So simple but beautiful and elegant in its focusing on love and affirmations.  I found my mind was prone to erratic distractions and I used this book to keep me focused on something beautiful and lovely.  I would read it on the bus.  I even used the ideas and affirmations to get me through the end of my seasonal job at Jazzfest.  When others were getting stressed and freaking out… I would go into my own little world and meditate on love and the messages of the book.  I didn’t let myself drift into the stress of the event and meetings etc.  And for the most part I looked and felt peaceful. I remember one day at Jazzfest a colleague, worn and ragged, looked at me and said,  “why is it that you look like that and we look like this?”  I looked peaceful because I was working very attentively to keep myself focused on love.

A few years later I moved to a new apartment in the same general Mid-City neighborhood.  Still feeling very hidden from the world and learning to function, I found my way to Reiki… or should I say Reiki found its way to me.  One day while walking down Carrollton Avenue I saw my Massage Therapist, Scott.  I shared with him the spiritual growth I was experiencing working with Mahdi and his group and that I felt an instinct that I could heal with my hands.  His response was, you should try Reiki.  Ding!  A light bulb went off within in me.  I knew it was for me.  I found out years later that Scott knew about Reiki because my Reiki teacher, Elizabeth Ohmer Pellegrin, had contacted him.  And she contacted him because she was struck by his attractive promotional materials that were… designed by me as she was looking for someone to design a brochure for her Reiki practice.  So it all came full circle.  The next day I found a flier for Reiki at my yoga studio and soon after  I attended my first degree Reiki Class taught by Elizabeth.  It was my first time spending an extended period of time with people… perhaps since I had gone off my meds.  The class was all weekend…. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday.  I felt a little nervous and awkward…but was clear that I wanted to be in the class!

In first degree Reiki you receive four initiations connecting you to the Reiki energy.  After just the first initiation the energy is flowing through your hands and you can give yourself a self-treatment.  During the Reiki class for the first time I felt something let go… something in me that  I was holding onto so tightly and so deeply I hadn’t even known how to let go.  It was my first true deep experience of some relief since I had gone off the meds and it gave me … hope.  Hope that I could possibly relax and be at ease with myself, others and my body.

I explored other ways to increase my sense of well-being.  I looked at my diet and began eating healthy and eliminated sugar and caffeine from my diet.  I began attending regular Reiki groups and connecting with and meeting new people through Reiki.  I met older wiser women who felt safe and comfortable like warm milk.  And even some young, fresh exciting energy…  One bolt of energy came in the form of a new friend, Christian Callen, then known as Herb… tall, handsome and sweet with lots of enthusiasm.  He had been doing personal work with an organization called Landmark Education and was encouraging me to attend the Landmark Forum.  I attended an introduction to the forum and was excited and delighted to feel some possibility in my life after so many years of so much challenge.  I was hesitant to participate in the weekend as it cost about $400.  As it turns out my Reiki teacher, Elizabeth had also done work with Landmark Education and had met her husband through that work.  She also knew my landlord through Landmark Education and they were old friends.  I learned that my landlord was a former Seminar Leader in Landmark Education and Elizabeth encouraged me to ask her for advice.  You see, I didn’t have ANY money to attend the Forum and once I did have the money, I still didn’t know how I would pay rent for the upcoming month.  So I asked my landlord what to do.  She said it was my decision… my risk to take and her recommendation was for me to make a list of people I could borrow money from and start with the last person I would ask for money and ask them.  Just then my sister beeped in on the other line.  There she was, the last person I would ask for money.  So I took a risk and asked her and she and her generous husband said yes and I took a leap and went to the Landmark Forum in Houston, Texas.  And that weekend, while I was at the forum in Houston, Hurricane Katrina hit… The good news was that I didn’t need to worry about coming up for next month’s rent anymore…

But the truth of it was, being in the Landmark Forum and then participating in Landmark Seminars in Austin, Texas where I relocated for a bit pushed me back out into the world.   It wasn’t easy.  I didn’t always like it, but I was doing it and that was what I needed at the time.

And now here I am in Germany, sometimes stumbling, still unfolding.  And I have been off of Paxil now for about 8 years.  Still learning to relax and play.  Practicing being present and allowing things to be. And exploring being at ease with myself and others… but now in a whole new context!  Sometimes daily I still want or need to retreat or feel unease for reasons I don’t totally understand.. but I am moving and shaking in my own little way.

It’s so great look back and see all the faces and powerful, lovely people who were so critical to me in my healing during that crucial time of change.  And today I feel lighter and easier… but still shifting and growing.

SUPPORT
And for those of you reading, friends and dare I to think… strangers, I am so glad you are there.  My cheerleaders back in New Orleans who will never give up.  New friends and relations in Europe, inspiring me to have courage and helping me to open my heart. Friends and family throughout the States.  Thanks for supporting me!

And, yeah additional support at this time would be… well, extraordinary.  Support to enable me to make the next move.  Support to take a risk and say yes to an invitation or opportunity!  This can be prayers, words of inspiration, connections and direction…and it can be money.  If you like, you can contribute to my journey and my blog through the contribute section.  Any contribution is really honored and appreciated. And thank you to those of you who already have contributed.

And, if you like you can contribute to and be a part of the exciting…
GYPSY WOMAN SCHOOL OF LIFE SCHOLARSHIP FUND!
What is this you ask?  A simple, easy and affordable way to support this Gypsy as she continues down the road of growth and lessons in life, learning to be herself (myself), learning to trust, let her guard down, explore and expand.  And learning to trust spirit, a higher power, God as my true caretaker and guide on this journey.  Interested?  Here is how you can contribute.

Make a commitment to donate a small amount monthly for the remainder of my journey…(through May 2012). Choose a contribution level and donate your initial gift via the link below. In future months you will receive a friendly monthly email reminder with a link to make an easy on-line payment.  As a “thank you” for donating to the scholarship fund you will receive a complimentary distant Reiki treatment… plus, good karma, as well as my appreciation and gratitude…

SCHOLARSHIP FUND CONTRIBUTION LEVELS:

The Wandering Flower.  For $5/a month help this wandering flower soothe her soul.  You will also receive a complimentary 15 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Blossoming Rose.  For $8/a month help this blossoming rose satisfy her spirit.  You will also receive a complimentary 20 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Playful Posy.  For $10/a month help this playful posy regain her strength.  You will also receive a complimentary 25 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Soulful Sunflower.  For $20/a month help this soulful sunflower begin again.  You will also receive a complimentary 30 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Flowering Lotus.  For $50/a month help this flowering lotus know and trust.  You will also receive a complimentary 60 minute Reiki Treatment.

To participate and contribute, simply use the donate link below.  Enter the monthly amount of the level at which you are contributing.  And that’s it!  In future months you will receive an email with a simple link for your next offering.

A few things I feel inspired to do at this point include:  working more with the organization Art of Living and attending their Art of Silence Course , I’d like to spend a month in Berlin for opportunities to learn, live and grow, I want to purchase a bicycle or repair an old one to give me a little freedom to move around while living in Wettensbostel and even traveling.  And I want to say yes to invitations to go visit and be with people in other areas of Europe.

Currently I am making my way in Europe through the generous opportunity to do an exchange with my current hosts… cleaning rooms at the seminar haus, some light cooking and meal preparation, some gardening and weeding…  I have given a few Reiki treatments here in Europe and also some distant treatments for friends back in the States.  And I even have the inkling of a graphic design client. And as always I am open and available for work.

Whew, well, it is Tuesday evening here and today has been beautiful, warm and sunny…  Thanks for taking the time to read this blog entry!…The day is coming to a close and I am ready to relax and let go.  So, until the next time…

Yours in spirit and adventure,

Gypsy Woman (also known as Nancie, I mean Teresa… or… well..you know…)

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My name is Teresa…

29 Jul

This isn’t any sort of formal announcement or anything… no large declaration to the world.  Just my meanderings on my blog you know… while I am living in Germany… when just three months ago I was selling shiitake mushrooms in New Orleans.  You see, for some time now, some thing has been creeping inside of me… maybe creeping isn’t the right word… but it is there nonetheless….  that…I feel like my name is…Teresa.  For those of you not in the “feeling” world this may sound a little odd, but for some time now… perhaps the last few years, every time I say my name is Nancie, I almost feel like I am lying.  And somewhere beneath the surface I hear and feel… my name is Teresa.

Teresa, if you have read the “about me” section is not a strange name to me… not some cryptic renaming… but in fact my middle name… and my confirmation name… and also my sister’s middle name.  For years we have heard and told the story of how my mom was told by doctors that she was not going to be able to have children and she prayed to St. Teresa the little flower telling her if she could have children she would name us after her… and voila… here we are!… over the years St. Teresa has always been a friend to me… she has made her way to me through prayer cards mysteriously showing up in a book at the public library and coffee table at a friend’s house.  I even went to visit her when Pope John Paul sent her ruins on a world tour and she made her way to New Orleans.  Visiting her remains in New Orleans was more like going to a mardi gras parade than a “holy” ceremony.  I got knocked out-of-the-way more than once and people’s hands were up in the air as if expecting beads to be flung from the casket.  But at any rate, Teresa, there she was…

When I first started feeling this name emerge from… ya know… within me… I started playing with using the name as my own in New Orleans.  At the time I was assisting in seminars through an organization called Landmark Education, and they were playful enough to give me three nametags to use during the seminar… Nancie, Nancie Teresa, and Teresa… of which I could interchange and shift as I chose… A friend who I dated for a little bit in New Orleans called me Teresa and I don’t know… it was just nice.  It just felt like in being called that he saw something in me.  Something in me that needed to be seen and was convoluted with all of the “whatever” of being Nancie, nothing personal to Nancie… And so since then I have been using my first and middle name… kind of bringing Teresa into the picture so that if someday I decided to go by that name, perhaps it would not be so … unexpected.

But I put this idea away… somewhere in a drawer labeled “normal people don’t change their names…” and moved on with my life (which as you know included putting my closet full of belongings in storage, buying a ticket to Europe, and moving to Wettenbostel, Germany to live and work with Reiki Masters… sounds pretty normal to me…).

And then recently I made a new friend.  We will call him Fred.  Fred was attending a workshop here in Wettenbostel at the Seminar Haus.  During the seminar I helped out as staff, assisting with dinner, cleaning up… but other than that I was locked up in my shyness or protectiveness or something. I would do my best to smile and be friendly to folks, but mostly kept myself separate.  Then one night while I was at the end of the night washing dishes… Fred came in the kitchen and started a conversation…and I was sort of like… why is this guy talking to me… but he was nice and so… we chatted for a little bit.  I was leaving in the next few days to go to Berlin and then on to Hamburg, so I gave Fred a business card so he could email and keep in touch.  He read the name on the card outloud  “Nancie Teresa…” and I loved the way that Teresa rang in my body as he said it… “Teresa…”

As it turned out Fred lived very close to where I was staying in Hamburg so we connected and spent a little time together.  And one day he asked me, “which name do you like better… Nancie or Teresa…”.  Funny you should ask I thought… so I said, “Teresa”… and from then on to him I was Teresa.  How fun!  It was so great to get the messages pop up on facebook… “hello Teresa!…” You get the picture.

I played with it a little while in Hamburg, trying to keep track of who I told my name was Nancie already, so as not to confuse them and who I hadn’t.  When strangers I met asked me what my name was I said,… “Teresa”… and there it was, like a seed growing curiously…

A little about St. Teresa.  I can’t say that I am an expert on her, know everything about her, but I can tell you she was connected to flowers and said that after she died she would send a shower of roses to the earth.  She was a nun and lived in a convent when she was very young and was a mystic… had visions and intense connections and experiences with God.   She was also known as the saint of the little things… showing her love and dedication not through large great acts, but through the intimacy and intricacy of the little things, the daily things.

And here I am in Wettenbostel, trying to learn to get out of my way to find the joy in the little things… the flowers, the weeding of the garden, cleaning the rooms, doing the dishes.  Remembering the message from my Reiki Teacher Elizabeth to be really present and to put all of my love into the work that I do while I am here.  “Wax on wax off…” she said.

Again this is not some big declaration, but an inquiry… a curiosity, an expansion… Teresa.  And hoping my sister does not mind if I use the name in case she too one day wants to use it and then we would both be Teresa, talking about my sister Teresa… anyway, I digress…

As you may have guessed, I have returned to Wettenbostel beginning my journey back into the world of the little things.  Seeing if I can give myself permission to actually just relax and enjoy myself being here.  In some way it feels so indulgent.  I let it go for just a moment today, sitting on the porch of the “big house” watching the willow tree sway in the wind surrounded by the gardens of flowers.

We have a new visitor right now who is a Reiki Master from Holland and other guests will begin to arrive in the next days as we prepare for our next event… Friends and Reiki.  A collection of Friends in Europe who all practice Reiki will be coming next week for a few days of spending time together and sharing Reiki.  Some will arrive early to take in the sometimes slow and leisurely pace of the country and the seminar haus.

And I, well right now I am dabbling in a book called “the soulmate secret” by Arielle Ford that my American friend here lent to me.  And I had to laugh when as I was reading it a band practicing nextdoor at the village outdoor theater struck up the song “here comes the bride”… anyway… another day.  Another day back in Wettenbostel. And the little things.

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It’s okay…

27 Jul

Well, it is my last night in Altona for now…the part of Hamburg where I have been visiting.  That is unless something unexpected happens or shifts.  I feel a lightness in the transition and gently spent the day with the town. It’s been a really nice day.  Nothing spectacular or anything.  I’ve been keeping pretty quiet the past few days… to myself. But I find as I am at ‘home’ relaxing into the day… whatever it is… it’s okay….

I went to a yoga class this morning.  It was my first yoga class since I departed for Europe.  Sure I have done some yoga on my own… keeping my body from getting locked in some unnatural position… but there is something about a lead class.  The class I went to today was a Kundalini yoga class.  It was just a bike ride away from the flat where I stay and a friend have given me a postcard that offered a discount on the class. It was comforting to find, like so many other practices, that no matter where you are in the world there are some common things to come ‘home’ to… yogi tea, traditional chants used in Kundalini yoga, and even singing of the ‘longtime sun’ song, in English.  I first learned this song in Austin, Tx where I first tried Kundalini yoga after evacuating from Hurricane Katrina. Happily, the yoga instructor was very easy with English and while I could mostly follow through watching her, it was nice to receive a little instruction here and there in the English language.

And the rest of the day has been… just kind of relaxed. It almost feels like summer today.  The sky is blue and I even wore a tank top… with a sweater tied around my waist for when it gets chilly… but still a tank top!…  And this afternoon I just nested…  curled up on the couch and watched Bridget Jones Diary on the flat screen tv in the flat… and ate bread and butter.  And then after, went for a stroll along the river.  It was like heaven.  Having time to be on my own and being out and still feeling connected with my surroundings, the city, the children laughing outside in the playground.

And it’s all… really okay.  I feel like I have settled into my bones a little bit today.  Relaxed more deeply into my experience of being in Germany.  And next… back to Wettenbostel.  Likely I will take the train tomorrow.  And my lovely flat hosts come home tonight late in the night.

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Return to Wettenbostel

26 Jul

It was time to go back to Wettenbostel… for the weekend.  There was a wedding at the seminar house and I offered to come in from Hamburg to help out. I met up in Hamburg with a Reiki Master who was also helping out for the weekend and we traveled to Wettenbostel in her Mercedes mobile home. She lives part-time in a town by the sea called Büsom and we laughed as I practiced pronouncing it, the sounds feeling foreign in my mouth.

The trip there was easy and fluid.  We arrived to friendliness and hugs and a pristine silence as there was a silent yoga retreat at the seminar house.  Warm greetings welcoming us back were offered in hushed voices.  The seminar house was booked solid for the retreat, so I found my night’s sleep in the not yet renovated kitchen in the large Dojo with a mattress and comfy down cover and pillow on top of a wooden table for my bed.  Despite my rough surroundings, it felt good to be back.

The next morning, the visiting yogis were talking once again and it was time for us to get to work.  We began cleaning rooms in preparation for the wedding guests to arrive on Saturday.  I received a facebook message from a friend in Hamburg and I commented that Wettenbostel was a world away from Hamburg!…  Saturday was a busy full day of cleaning and preparing for the wedding.  The semi-prepared menu emmerged in unexpected ways as the mushrooms, and eggplants and other items filling up the kitchen came together in a wedding feast.  We cooked and served and cleaned until late that night.  About 10:30 (22:30 I should say…) my kind American friend gave me liberation to retreat to my room as he stayed and finished cleaning up the kitchen… the kitchen that… all day seemed like no matter how much you cleaned it, it was still dirty…

Sunday we were pretty tired from the intensity of the Saturday.  Breakfast was served to our wedding guests and then we relaxed a bit until mid-afternoon – time to returned to Hamburg.  Then… ahhh… an evening of rest and relaxation in the peace of the flat.   I woke up the next morning grateful to be in Hamburg but also relaxed and somehow restored from my weekend of work in Wettenbostel.

And this week my time in Hamburg comes to a close.  I am still tousled on the inside from my weekend of moving and shaking and some chaos at the wedding… wondering where things will shake out for me…  Is there some other interesting and inviting opportunity to unfold for me?

And yet what is there for me now is… being grateful.  Being grateful for the time I have had in Hamburg… the connections, the people I have met and who have extended themselves to me.  The generous opportunity to stay in this flat and have a beautiful bicycle to ride!…  And the goodness of having some place to return to with a warm comfortable bed, gardens and natural surrounding.

And for now I have some time to myself.  My mind and my body have been doing a little wrestling with one another..but I am in Hamburg for a few more days and then a train ride back to Wettenbostel.  Ah… just relax… relax and trust.

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One Step at a Time

21 Jul

It is another day in Hamburg.  The sky is a little gray and I am spending time in the quietness of the apartment… torn between appreciating the quietness of the day and wondering if there is something else I should do.  Fresh groceries were delivered this morning.  With my growing wisdom I buzzed them in from the comfort of the fourth floor flat… rather than running all the way downstairs to let them in.  My marginal faith in my ability to successfully buzz… I listen in bed.. did they make it in?  Did they?  I don’t hear them… and then happily seeing not long after a box of fresh veggies, safely delivered by the door.  This week new deliveries… glad to see some new vegetables.  Fava beans, what looks like arugula, fresh lettuce, tomatoes, carrots and more.  And of course fresh eggs and bread. My extrovert and introvert are wrestling with the lack of activity in the day as I find that I am keeping to myself with the possibility of heading off to Wettenbostel tonight.

And I am finding, I am noticing, that when one is on a journey… while it can be interesting to consider what is next, what is the future… it is best to just take it one step at a time.  And today that step could be cleaning and cooking the fava beans and cooking a little lunch. Perhaps a walk later to the river Elbe.  It could be waiting to hear if I will be traveling to Wettenbostel.  No bells and fireworks.  No electricity.  And for today that is okay, although something inside of me wants something to be something else… more or different or… I can’t really say.  My head, my thoughts no matter how much it thinks it cannot stretch and see the future.  I may get an instinct, an urge and inspiration… but for today it may just be fava beans.  Fava beans and perhaps a little salad on the side.

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A new day

20 Jul

The title of the post today is a new day.  I call it that simply because in this moment that is how it feels… like a new day.  Perhaps some sweeping away of the old, or simply just a freshness in the now… in the present….

I have just returned from an SGI Buddhism meeting with what now contains some familiar faces.  I am feeling like less of an American voyeur in my German SGI group.  When I show up I smile and giggle with some of the members… sort of an appreciation of knowing or recognizing each other even though we cannot communicate much with our words.  It is nice to feel the warmth and connectedness in the meeting and seeing these faces, feeling more related and relaxed.

Tonight was a discussion meeting… so we chanted first and then there was a conversation.  Someone was kind enough to translate the discussion for me so I had a basic understanding of what was being said… and the topic tonight was on the Master/Student relationship in Buddhism… or in German, Meister….  And it was discussed that Germans have a problem with this type of relationship because of its history.  But others shared shaping the nuances of that relationship… the most poignant of which offered the example of a student of a master chef.  The student does not just follow instructions of the master, but learns from them and then ultimately expresses what they have learned from the master with their own essence, their own touch… although impacted and influenced by the master.  After discussion, we ate some fruit and cookies and then headed home.

So now I am at home eating some late night muesli… or late night for me… it’s after 10:30pm…  I may connect tomorrow with my friends in Wettensbostel to return there for the weekend to help out with a wedding being held there.  Still waiting to hear.  In the meantime it is muesli and then a good night sleep for me!

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Rooted

19 Jul

It’s kind of a funny thing to talk about being rooted… when one has lost nearly all of their personal belongings… twice and is currently living out of an average size red suitcase with wheels… but still maintains a modest, closet-size storage space outside New Orleans… But rooted is what presents itself to me… today.

And speaking of roots, the German word I learned this week (who is counting… and how many words left to learn…?) is unkraut.  Kind of like Sauerkraut… except not. Unkraut means weeds.  Kraut means herb or plant… add the “un” and it is saying “that is not a plant” … or something along those lines…  Of course what is unkraut is subjective… One man’s weed is another man’s feast.  When tending the garden at the seminar house in Wettenbostel, the weeds I look out for the most are called stinging nettles.  They grow like wildfire, are very lightly rooted so easy to pull out and if they touch your skin it hurts and you get a red prickly rash in that area.  But, not to worry… I am told the sting is good for you… medicinal in some way.  However, this same unkraut, the nettle,  to a new friend I met this weekend is, well, I guess “kraut”.  He loves the stinging nettle.  Says it is filled with vitamins and blends them up in his vitamix in the morning with fresh fruit for breakfast…

Well my American visitors from New Orleans have left today on their way to Berlin, just the next step in their unfolding exploration of the planet… route and plan determined as it goes….  and I too have a taste and wondering of what might be next for me.  Being in Hamburg has built my curiosity to explore other areas, but I also look forward to returning to the quiet and new-found familiarity of friends and place in Wettenbostel.  For now my pocketbook and my instincts remind me to keep it simple… even when my mind, fears or ambitions are scattered with ideas.

And…I have found so much joy in keeping it simple!  Just this past Saturday I went with a new Hamburg friend on a bicycle ride up the river Elbe settling in on the beach.  A rare sunny almost summer like day in Hamburg.  And this day my naïve American self gets introduced to the easy nakedness of Europe as the beach is dotted with casual naked bodies – young and old… some at ease in conversation like they were talking to a neighbor while checking the mail.  And others standing strong and proud like a peacock.  I try to be relaxed and at ease with the unfamiliar nakedness… Later that day I was treated to a home cooked meal of fresh German potatoes with Cauliflower cooked up with a little green onion and a light cheese sauce… salad on the side.  It was yummy and felt good to my heart.  I love being fed.

Sunday morning I joined my New Orleans visitors as they went to the local fish market.  We left the house at 6:30 am… a time my body has not willingly seen in … a very long time… and we soon found ourselves down by the river in a sea of people, fresh produce and fish, and even beer and a band playing 80s rock cover songs.  We were there early enough to see the night crowd spilling into the morning as well as the fresh early morning faces, dancing among the tables and beer.  I ate a fish sandwich for breakfast and greeted the morning scene with curiosity and… hesitation.

Later that day I met a friend of a friend for coffee.  Having been an introvert for so long, sometimes it takes all of my courage to leap out of the flat and meet new faces…pushing myself out the door like when I was 15 and my mother had to force me out of the car to meet a boy on a first date.   But I go and connect and we have much in common – reiki, Buddhism, love of the outdoors.  He has recently left Hamburg and moved to a small town to live simply on the land, which of course I could relate to.  He also eats stinging nettles….

And where am I today… well in my temporary space in Hamburg shortly to return to Wettensbostel for the weekend to help out with a wedding event… and wondering what is next or what else is out there… not knowing how it will unfold and in all of that strangely… rooted.  Not rooted in this or that or anything in particular… but rooted in me.  Like a seed has grown within me and sprouted wings.  Oh sure I still feel a bit neurotic.  Am more moody than I wish to let others see… but just today and a little bit last week I noticed something new in me…. it was…happiness…  And I found it…odd… So this is happiness… a little “kraut” growing in me.  Taking root… without expectations…

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loslassen

14 Jul

It has been a few days since I have been able to tend to my blog.  Water it and tell it hello, say positive things to it so it will grow. A challenge of having interesting times and experiences is actually having the time to capture them, share a view and an experience.  These past few days have been filled with Buddhists meetings, making connections and Reiki Treatments.  And yesterday friends from New Orleans came to Hamburg to stay and visit for a few days bringing a piece of comfort and home to Altona with them.  So I am full.  Satisfied.

Loslassen is my German word for the day although I find even as I type the word it seems to drift away from my mind, memory and lips.  Perhaps that is the very nature of this word as it means “let it go”…I grabbed this word at a local SGI Buddhist meeting I went to a few nights ago.  Put it in my pocket and took it with me.  So refreshing to hear and always a useful reminder!  This meeting took me to someone’s private home just behind the Altona train station.  It was a group of all women gathered in a pretty soft room with magical containers of sparkling lemon water, tea and crackers.  The quieter softer energy of their collected chanting nurtured me and treated me like a friend. Afterwards I received the gift of their company over tea for me and wine and beer for them at a local cafe.  We talked of horoscopes and yoga, cats and gardens, and it was fun. Fun to be and connect and spend time with other women.

And then recently I connected with a Reiki Master who lives in Hamburg.  We escaped to her flat in the suburbs of Hamburg and I took refuge in the spaciousness of her place.  We met for a Reiki exchange and I spent the night.  The next day we had some time to walk around her neighborhood – an integration of suburban shopping and old homes and fields and paths in the woods.

A gift of our meeting was hearing and learning more about her Reiki teacher, Phyllis Lei Furumoto.  For those of you who don’t practice Reiki, Phyllis is the Grand Master of the traditional Usui System of Reiki.  Phyllis’ grandmother Hawayo Takata was the Japanese American woman who brought the teaching of Reiki to the United States. There are many systems of Reiki in the United States and in the World.  The traditional system seeks to maintain the integrity of the practice as brought to United States from Japan by Takata.

I learned that Phyllis has her own internet radio talk show called Reiki Balancing Form and Essence.  We listened to a segment and I got to hear the warm but powerful and soothing voice of Phyllis and be reminded and guided in the practice of Reiki.  In her show she interviews Reiki Masters all over the world, many of whom I knew and recognized.

And for now… there is a moment of time.  Time and space and a quietness moving through the air as the sounds of construction assemble themselves in the background outside my flat.  The air is cool today and I have not seen the sun.  But for now I am content…giving way to the comfort and solemness of the soft lazy day.

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Kattendorfer Hof

9 Jul

This morning my computer beeped at me from the other room, letting me know a friend was chatting with me on Facebook.  Happily it was my new friend in Altona inviting me to meet him and his daughter at the local market.  We made arrangements to meet, I washed off my morning face and headed on my bicycle to meet him. He is a new member to a co-op here in Hamburg. While he picked out his fresh veggies and dairy for the week, I got a chance to chat a little bit with the owner of the farm, Kattendorfer Hof.

First a little German lesson… Kattendorfer, that is the name of the farm, and hof according to google translate means court.  Okay, next I was excited because I got to learn a little bit about his farm.  They are an organic farm just North of Hamburg and they practice a method of farming that in Germany is called demeter, known in the United States as biodynamics.  As he described, demeter pays attention to the farm as a whole and how all things are interconnected which gives the food and the farm a sense of quality and balance.  So they make and grow everything!  They grow their vegetables organically, the raise their own animals and sell milk, cheese and meat products and they even grow their own grain which  they sell to a local baker who bakes the bread!  Fabulous.  Biodynamics is more complicated than this, but when following this method, my new farmer friend says, the food just tastes better.  He says his customers say there is just something about his food that is different from the others.

We talked a little bit about the co-op and how the farm sells its food. In the States it’s called CSA, community supported agriculture.  In German it is Wirthschaftsgemeinschaft…. ugh… for now I will stick with CSA… at any rate, the way this works is the farm, in this case Kattendorfer Hof, creates a budget for the year of their expenses including costs and salaries for workers… essentially how much they will need to run the farm.  At the beginning of the year, they divide that budget up monthly and pass that cost on to their co-op members as shares.  So the co-op is paying not for the food, but for the cost, the expense up front of running the farm.  Then every week the farm brings fresh food to drop off points for the co-op members to pick up.  For the purchase of a share, co-op members have a general agreement of how much food they get a week.  Kattendorfer Hof is pretty relaxed about this and doesn’t weigh the food. The members come and choose from the abundance of what is there and take what they need while still leaving plenty for the other members.  It’s a win/win for everyone!… The farm and the farmer is well supported and the customers get wonderful fresh food every week at an affordable price.  At Kattendorfer Hof, co-op members pay 165€ a month and they get fresh meat, cheese, milk, yogurt and vegetables.  And plenty of vegetables!  Right now they are growing carrots, cauliflower, zucchini, sugar beets, lettuce, potatoes, green onions, leeks, broccoli!… The farm is very happy with this arrangement and are getting 60% of their business through CSA… the other 40 at local markets.  But they are expanding and would like to be 100% Community Supported Agriculture!

I thought this was such a delight, I wanted to share it.  Almost like a small miracle.  One of the few things in this world that actually makes sense!  Mmmm.. yummy fresh food!

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