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Being at ease

30 Nov

Ah!  Well, I have arrived in a sweet new location.  Looking outside of the window seeing the rolling hills.  I am now in a small village called Hilpertsau in an area in Germany known as the Black Forest…greeted by the kindness and hospitality of Imke and Michael, a host family I connected with through a website for travelers called Helpx.net.  Feeling the freshness and softness of this new space in the wake of leaving the fullness and richness of my time and experience in Wettenbostel.

My last few days in Wettenbostel were a busy time for me. Deeply wrapped in the experience of a workshop at Wettenbostel this past weekend and then spending time with Jörn, my German friend and fellow resident at the Seminar Haus, before I left today.  Drinking up all of the experience that was there for me, appreciating it as much as I could before departing.

The workshop I participated in was…a totally new experience for me.  You can call it an experiment… of sorts.  It was no ordinary workshop.  It was…a tantric workshop.  What is tantra you say?  Even after the workshop I cannot say that I know for sure.  What I can share, most simply expressed, is that tantra is a spiritual path that connects the spiritual and the erotic through the connection of the heart. Hmmm… sound interesting?

I was first encouraged to attend the workshop by my friend and former Wettenbostel porch companion, Dan. And one of the leaders of the tantra workshop, Astrid, is a Reiki Master and friend of the Seminar Haus.  The seminar is open to singles and couples and for this weekend I learned they were in need of more women to participate and I was welcome to join them.  So there it was… a door opening… dare I walk through?  After a little guidance from a few trusted voices… I decided to go ahead and… participate.

The workshop began on a Friday night.  New faces and voices filling the halls of the Seminar Haus.   I was a little nervous to participate.  Well, that is putting it mildly. But the kindness and sweetness of Astrid and the assistants helped to comfort me. During registration I was told a few ground rules… most importantly to love and trust myself in this experience. And then I was told to wear nice underclothes for that evening.  Okay, I thought.  Here we go.

We met in the seminar room in the Big Dojo, the room transformed into a warm living temple.  The other leader, Lucian, arrived with big energy wearing a bright red suit. The workshop was led in German.  And although I don’t speak German, I saw and watched and listened and when needed a helpful, friendly neighbor or assistant would whisper an English translation in my ear.

The seminar was divided into sessions with long generous breaks, giving me time to drink it what was offered.  Morning began with yoga and most sessions started with music and dancing… letting go a little bit, connecting with the body and with others. Then a new ritual or exercise was introduced, many with a chosen partner.  A few of the exercises helped to let go of emotional pain blocking the expression of self and sexual energy.  And still others helped to open up the sexual energy and get more connected to being in the body and its joy and innocense.

As the weekend progressed, my nervousness decreased a little bit as I began to see that, while challenging, the work and the exercises were really helping me and opening me. The other participants there were kind, warm and welcoming.  And I got to see and experience in myself… glimpses of things… I hardly knew were there.  I began to feel a little more ease in myself through exploring this expression.  Letting go of some of my boundaries that… just didn’t work anymore.

In the end for me the workshop experience was challenging, but deeply opening.  I saw a tremendous amount of healing for myself and others around being comfortable with and expressing myself sexually and just being at ease with me.  I got more connected to my own power.

And for now, here I am… in a sweet new spot.  The beginning of another journey.  New people, new experiences, more learning and healing.  Just a wandering flower… growing in Europe and beginning to be… at ease.

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Uncertainty

23 Nov

It is a brilliant cool evening in Wettenbostel.  After a busy seminar weekend, my hostess is away doing a little travel and my friend and regular resident of late, Jörn, is gathering himself for a few days in his apartment in nearby Lüneburg.  I am delighting in the juiciness of some time to myself.  I am warm, well-fed and listening to some music by German artist, Fjarill.  I don’t understand a word that she is singing, but her voice, the music and tone are satisfying.  It is truly dark outside except for the slightly distant light coming from the “Big Dojo” across the way still glowing with music and life as friend and  Seminar Haus electrician and general handyman is still at work.

It is already time to prepare for the next seminar.  A little different as with our hostess away I am tending to some new details in the rooms… placing towels, sheets and bedding.  I must say that when it comes to bedding at the Seminar Haus, my hostess here truly has it down to an art.  The colors and bright patterns of her bedding fill the rooms and it is always at least a little satisfying to leave a cleaned and prepared room… complete for whoever might be entering next. The other difference this time is that I will be attending the seminar this weekend.  So I am preparing space not only for our next guests, but ultimately for myself.

I am already getting ready a little bit for my upcoming departure from Wettenbostel.  I leave on a train Tuesday morning for a small town in an area in the South of Germany called the Black Forest.  It is known to be a beautiful area.  I connected with a family there through an on-line resource called helpx.  Helpx connects travelers with people in countries throughout the world interested in hosting travelers in exchange for a little work.  I will be staying with a family, parents about my age with two children for a month.  They have a beautiful home and from my connection to them already I feel they have warmth, experience and comfort to offer.  What comes next after that… is still to be determined.

I started getting myself a little organized, going through my purse throwing out all old train itineraries and tickets so that I can find what I need as I travel.  I had to laugh as when I was going through my wallet I found the American 20 dollar bill I stashed away as my emergency money for when I return to the States.  It was funny to me how foreign it seemed… like my connection to it is disappearing a little somehow… my wallet now filled with Euros… well, maybe not FILLED… but supplied nonetheless….

Things shifting and changing always tugs at something inside of me.  Uncertainty.  There is a beauty in it.  A richness that pulls me on to something… new.  Like a dance.  One of the requirements for dealing with uncertainty I find is exploring that balance of surrender and attending to what needs to be done.  In the midst of it find I am often compelled to reach for little pieces of certainty in the present moment.  Organizing my socks.  Sorting my clothes and putting them in nice little piles.  Sometimes getting lost in my mind as I find the things and ideas I may have been attached to.  Not wanting get lost in the space of uncertainty.  Thinking today about my little storage closet of personal belongings back in Metairie, a suburb of New Orleans.  My current mailing address…a post office box at a New Orleans neighborhood store.

Tonight’s call for dealing with uncertainty… I think a hot bath is the ticket.  My body and my spirit want to rest.  Let it go!  Ah!

So all is well.  I am well fed tonight and grateful.  A yummy meal of some sautéed veggies and tofu with a little salad.  I am warm in my wool clothes and comforted by the light in my room and the light I feel brewing within me.  Another day.  Another night.  And some things are changing.  There is some… uncertainty…

Photo by Gypsy Woman.  A little color remains in the cold gardens at Wettenbostel.

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Courage

21 Nov

Well, it is November 21… my birthday… even though there is a mix up on my birth certificate that says it’s November 22.  But my mother assures me that I was born on the 21st.  She says she knows…she was there.

This birth certificate thing was actually a little area of concern for me when getting my passport to begin this journey to Europe.  I was moving quickly, planning the trip and shifting my world with just a months time to prepare.  When I first went to get my passport… the birth certificate was not valid as it did not have the official state seal on it.  So with just weeks to go I had to order a new birth certificate.  After I ordered it, I thought… oh no!  it says my birthday is November 22… and my driver’s license says my birthday is November 21!  Is that okay? Now just weeks away, I could no longer get my passport through the expedited service… but luckily there was an express center in New Orleans where you could get passports in just a matter of days… immediately if needed.  The only hitch was that you could go there no sooner than 2 weeks before your travel.  So there I was, two weeks before my travel with my mismatched birth certificate and drivers license.  And alas… it all worked!  But, they did put the date that was on my birth certificate.  So according to my passport, my birthday is November 22!

The other day I was thinking about a situation in my life that has been a bit of a challenge for me.  And the image that popped into my mind’s eye was one that I saw on the desk where I was house sitting in Hamburg back in July.  It is a picture of a little kitty looking into a mirror… and the reflection in the mirror is a lion.  That image to me speaks to the idea of … courage.  Courage when I think or feel that I am just a little kitty to see the truth of myself… the strength of the lion that is really there…  And that being said, it also reminds me of the strength card in the Tarot.  It is a picture of a lion and a maiden… The meaning of strength in this card is a little different from how may typically think of it.  It is a strength that comes from a higher power… and strength that can come from softness and surrender… balanced with the power of the lion.

This weekend was experience and an experiment for me… in courage.  Working at the Seminar Haus this weekend… we hosted a group of 50 people in a space that is typically suited for about 20-25.  Much work was demanded… of everyone!  We all had to go all out and give everything that we had… and then a little more… to make this weekend work.  Our busy four-day weekend began for me with 6:30am wake up calls… me grabbing a little bit of chanting or Reiki before I went out into the world of the kitchen.  Set up for breakfast.  Sometimes fun… sometimes a little confusion… “where are the eggs… are we out of eggs?  no worries… we can just chop up some fruit instead…” and so it goes.  With so many guests the business of breakfast bled into lunch.  Our host and chef, cook and creative extraordinaire spun us around  chopping and stirring and mixing and serving.  Learning to pay attention to the little things of chopping and the larger things like… did you get that out of the oven?  We set up two dining rooms for serving instead of our typical one as there were more guests that usual.  After lunch, the endless dishes of clean up… and then… ah dinner and clean up again.  Plus a few other surprises along the way.  Somewhere in the spinning and mixing and serving and preparing at the Seminar Haus there is a creative energy that gets stirred up.  Bleeding from one experience to the next.

So wow!  We did it!  And I did it… beyond my comfort zone and typical experience.  And today, the morning after and birthday morn, I am soaking in the quiet and comfort of my bed and some tunes from New Orleans yoga teacher and musician, Sean Johnson.  My friend Jörn just stopped in offering birthday greetings and the good spirited intention of preparing for me a little birthday breakfast egg… but alas, the kitchen is stripped and we are out of eggs.  And my lovely hosts surprised me this morning knocking at my door with a lit candle and some wonderful gifts… constantly surprising me and touching me with their generosity!

So for now, enjoying a little relaxation and comfort and a luxurious long morning to enjoy all the little things I love.  And the beginning of a new year for me.  A time of change, new experiences… and… whew, courage!

Photograph of  tree blossoming in the frost in the gardens of Wettenbostel.

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Being in Germany

15 Nov

Although I have been living in sort of an “enchanted” corner of Germany… often spoiled with an English-speaking Canadian and good sported English-speaking Germans here at the secret world of the Seminar Haus, I am… nonetheless… living in Germany.  Things are different here and my regular American ways… don’t always have a way here.  Sometimes it is just little things… like the washing and hanging of the laundry here that is more like a ritual or an art or my hostess wondering what we call tea towels in the United States or what sort of towels we use to dry our dishes… the answer being, of course, in many homes…the dishwasher.  The other day a few of us were having a conversation and my hostess was searching for an English translation for what she was describing in German… the English term was… “plastic surgeon”… which sent them laughing… It was explained to me that in Germany plastic is “taboo” and materials such as glass…. more quality and basic things… are much more revered.  So to have a doctor called a plastic surgeons sounded odd to say the least.

After big seminars on the weekends we often have much left over food.  My American ways have trained me to pack it all up in the fridge and throw anything away at the first sign of spoiling.  Around here… things are allowed to linger a little bit more.  And while things are still healthy… food stays around longer before it is tossed away.  Jörn, the German man who has been living and working here for about the past month or so, once was surprised at me when I threw some food out.  I attempted to explain to him that it was just my experience and culture as an American.  He then shared with me that his parents lived in Germany after the second world war, when there was almost no food and he was raised by parents still living with fear that there might not be enough.  I was told that at that time people around here were literally starving. So in Jörn’s house growing up… food was kept around… and reused for days… and really, not thrown away.

And more and more, with my American porch companion gone…more  German is spoken at the Seminar Haus.  Seems natural as we are in Germany, but I suppose I got spoiled with everyone speaking English around me.  I have dipped my toe into the German language pool… and will continue to do so… but sometimes it is challenging for me to be sitting in a room filled with German conversations… and not understand.  Incidentally, I learned that the German language has something like 75,000 words and the English language has over 200,000 words…Sometimes I find I just love the sound of German and find it comforting to hear.  The other day traveling back from Hamburg, I can remember actually feeling a sigh of relief hearing the German announcement on the trains before we were to leave.  A strange modicum of  familiarity.  Sometimes I can pick out words or phrases that I understand.  But other times it is tough… and I feel disconnected from the people and the conversations that are happening and at times it takes some effort for me not to feel left out.

We have a new but familiar visitor this week at the Seminar Haus.  The woman who was the caretaker here before Dan is here.  She too is a Reiki Master and has come to assist the larger effort required this week as we prepare for a group twice as large as our typical weekend.  Furniture is being moved, beds rearranged… and typical cleaning and preparation.

It is a cool autumn night.  The coals in the fireplace still have some burning embers that will need to be fed before I go to sleep.  I have to smile as I notice my acceptance and appreciation of the cool air in my being… a feeling I haven’t felt for so long.  It has seemed like a long day… and it is time for a little rest… tonight surrounded by the frozen gardens of Wettenbostel under the cool night skies… being in Germany.

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November frost

13 Nov

A frosty day in Wettenbostel!  I woke up this morning to find a thick coat of frost covering the grounds and cars of the Seminar Haus.  Almost looking like snow.  It reminds me of Christmas.   Having lived in New Orleans for the past 13 years, cold weather and frost is new and old to me….  new as it has been a while and old as it is reminiscent for me of growing up in St. Louis, Missouri with the cold and the frost.

I greeted the day to begin preparing breakfast for our seminar guests… this being Sunday, the last day of their visit and seminar with us.  Sunday is also waffle day.  A happy day for most.  My host and cook extraordinaire makes a healthy but delicious waffle batter and the waffle maker shapes them in a circling connection of six hearts, like a flower.  Served on top of the waffles… fresh fruit… this morning pineapples, bananas and oranges… Then fresh whipped whipping cream.  My host was “sweet” enough today to make a little whipping cream and waffles with no sugar…for me and his wife… The whipping cream instead of sugar had a little of vanilla in it.  Yummy and tasty!  And good for the heart… we all need a little something sweet every once in a while!  Food for the soul!…

I am still new to preparing breakfast on my own… as my former porch companion, Dan, currently in Switzerland, was the previous master of breakfast.  But I am under development.. in the process of mastering the art of breakfast.  Today was my first breakfast with waffles… a little more complex than the typical breakfast.  My timing was  a little slow and our hungry guests were chanting for us to bring out the fruit to go on top of the waffles… delayed a few minutes.  But still good spirits and good food all the same!

As I am out of practice with the cold, I have been “caught” a few times heating my room beyond the desired heating capacity…. heating it to a cozy womb-like temperature.  My host walked by the other day and asked if there was a fire in the fireplace… “no”  I say sheepishly… ” it’s just my room….” “What!” he says with a spark in his eye.  He jokes and says that the climate in my room would be good for his orchids.  In the meantime I am … adjusting and practicing… turning the nob down a notch or two on the heater in my room.

Wool is becoming my new companion.  A few new wool sweaters from the thrift store in Hamburg, wool hat, wool socks, and the latest addition… wool long underwear!  Apparently a fashion must in the cold country.  My hosts have been very loving about supporting me with wool… the other day I arrived at my room to find a pretty pair of new wool socks left at my door like the tooth fairy.

I took some pictures today.  What a treat to take a moment to do so.  There are still some flowers and hints of color “hanging in there” in the garden… newly decorated with icy crystals.  My host is a photographer and has a wonderful camera.  He is very friendly about sharing his toys and I happily used his camera to capture some of the last glimpses of color of the season.  He also pointed out today that one of the trees in the oriental garden is blossoming… among a few other trees scattering throughout the garden… the sweet simplicity of unexpected and unexplained blossoming in the midst of the oncoming winter.  A little odd in truth… but sweet just the same.

And now, just listening to a little Jack Johnson on my computer.  Such simple melodies pulling me into the coolness and softness of the night.  Most of the business of the day has drifted away, although there is still some shuffling about… beginning preparations for a unusually large group this coming weekend.  Just another night in Wettenbostel!

Photo by me… Nancie Teresa… from the frosty gardens of Wettenbostel

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I Hang My Clothes to Dry

10 Nov

One of the many little changes in my life here in Germany.  It is a Thursday night and Jörn graciously just dropped off my wet clothes from out of the washing machine.  I just took a few moments to hang them on the drying rack set up in my room… what seems to be a standard item in the German homes I have been in so far.  Not quite the norm in my American dryer loving life… one of the many simple little shifts in my Wettenbostel world.

There is a little Reiki going on at the Seminar Haus right now… our host is teaching first degree Reiki to a friend here at the Seminar Haus.  They are completing the class in four evenings.  Tonight is the third night.  In first degree Reiki you receive a series of initiations that open you up to the Reiki energy and seal that connection open so that you will have access to it for the rest of your life.  Last night I was fortunate enough to receive a Reiki treatment from our host and student as a part of the class, the comfort of two sets of warm healing hands.  While our host had his hands on my head showing the proper positions of the hands, I layed there deeply relaxing as things were explained in German.  Not my typical Reiki experience!  But deeply healing!

Reiki finds its way in an out of our lives here at the Seminar Haus in a fairly regular way.  Sometimes we will use Reiki in the kitchen.. putting our hands over the food to add the energy to what we are preparing.  The other morning during a seminar I was preparing some green tea for some of our more particular customers.  I am not great at tea just yet and I thought I had better give it some Reiki just to be sure it tasted okay.  As it turns out, I actually used the wrong kind of tea to make it… but when our host was drinking it he kept saying… “ya know… this tea is really good!”  I laughed and told him that I Reikied it… I figured I could use all the help I could as I did not know what I was doing!… He then shared the story of when he and his former wife were at a restaurant and couldn’t get over how delicious the food was.  They talked to the chef and and it turned out the chef had second degree Reiki… The next day they went again since they enjoyed it so much… but this night the food was not good.  They were surprised, but then learned that there was another chef cooking that night… who did not have Reiki!….  Not long ago my host and I were Reikiing some chicken we were preparing for our guests… I was using the Reiki symbols I learned from second degree Reiki… my host in his typical fashion got inspired in a rush of energy and announced…”I just initiated all of my chickens!”… essentially, they all received first degree Reiki!  We joked how they were then giving each other Reiki in the oven! Life can be a little more fun with a some Reiki to see you through!

Tonight is a simple night on my own.  I cooked a little meal for everyone tonight and am now just relaxing.  I have found lately that I must be adapting to the cooler weather as I no longer walk around bent over shivering.  There has been a cooler bite in the air these past few days and tonight I actually walked out and thought… wow, feels good and fresh!  Hmmmm… that is something new… after thirteen years living in the humidity and heat of the bayou. A new group for a seminar is arriving tomorrow afternoon.  All the rooms are clean and ready to go.  The pace will pick up a bit tomorrow as they arrive and we begin preparing meals for them.

And that is the latest from Wettenbostel.  Clothes drying, Reiki in the air and chilling out listening to a little Nora Jones on the computer.

Photo from the Seminar Haus gardens by Michael Hartley

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Little by little

9 Nov

Well, it is November 9th already.  Time has slipped away a little bit since I last wrote.  I spent another weekend in Hamburg attending a healing workshop facilitated by my friend Olaf Cobus.  Then made my way back to the world of Wettenbostel.  A distinct contrast between the two.

It was great to be at the healing workshop again…the second in a series of five… nudging myself out of my comfort zone and back into my body.  The theme for the day was perception… at first mistranslated for me as reception… but then easily cleared up!…We spent time and energy exploring how we perceive… in our bodies and other ways.  We did movement work paying special attention to little things that make a difference… like putting out energy in the back of our legs when we walk rather than the front or out hips.  Just that little change in attention made a difference for me in feeling balanced in my body.  And we did rattle work with each other… we picked a partner and one partner would lie down and the other would use a rattle to shift and move energy.  My partner was a woman named Silke.  She is an artist in Hamburg and is receiving some attention for her unique subject… she paints the night…  Her spirit to me seems to have found a place for being at ease with the darkness of the night.  I could feel the energy move and shift through me as she spun around me with her rattle like a bat.

At one point in the day we got in a circle with one person in the middle practicing standing their ground and saying “no”… or “nicht” for the German speakers which was… ya know… everyone but me…  Olaf asked me to go first and my first response was… “no”… not surrendering to my joke he coaxed me into the middle and eventually I found a way to be in my center and say no in a way that was convincing to the group.

At the end of the day we all came together, taking turns with one person in the middle and collectively gave the person in the middle a treatment.  Within the group we had a variety of experience in different healing modalities… Reiki, massage, and other methods of energy work.  One person described the experience of receiving the treatment like many little elf hands coming out of the forest….doing their beautiful work.  It felt so nice to be attended to and cared for in that way… collectively by the many hands of the group.

I found my way to a thrift shop in Hamburg the following day… newly negotiating the bus system in Hamburg like a freshly hatched chick.  A nice man on the bus who did not speak English helped me to find my stop with basic hand signals… a little nodding and coaxing.  I bought a few wool sweaters for the cold coming in and then happily made my way back to the main train station to return to Wettenbostel.

Since the workshop, I noticed in my being and my body little differences and subtleties.  Feeling a little more grounded in my body.  Feeling a little bit more in my personal strength and power.  Noticing places where just a few days ago I would have wanted to react and finding that I just did not have a need or strong tug to go there… so it is the little things.  Little by little.  Bit by bit.

Yesterday I was going to go down the street to the forester’s home to buy some of their honey for myself.  I was a little nervous about going as I did not think they spoke English… and I have a tendency to be nervous and shy.  So I thought I would reach out to my friend Jörn for a some assistance.  And I asked him and his German speaking self to come with me.  And his answer was “no”…and he didn’t even attend the workshop!  He said that he thought it would be good for me to go on my own.  To reach out a little bit.  The little kid in me reacted…but he did not budge and simply went back to work… So I collected myself and went… to buy some honey.. or “honig” in German.  My host had coached me that if nothing else I could arrive at the door saying “honig, bitte” which is “honey, please”… I laughed as the thought.  As I walked down the street I felt ghosts of the shy child I was as a kid… often uncomfortable to go out and reach out on my own.  But I went…. and they spoke a little English.  And they were friendly and kind… and it was all okay.  And I got some honey!

Little by little.  That is my way in this “Grosse Lebenscchule“… “big school of life” here in Germany.  And then of course… what is the next step.  And for this morning, the next step is breakfast.  It is early on Wednesday morning and I don’t yet hear the rattle of life in the Big House where I stay.  A little time to carve out some quiet in the morning before the day begins.  A day of little lessons, gratitude, and staying open to what is next.

Photo from the gardens of Wettenbostel by Michael Hartley

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One day at a time

1 Nov

Here I am.  In the now.  In the kitchen in the now.  In Wettenbostel.  I have a little tickle in my stomach as if something exciting is going to happen… like a child waiting for Santa… but what the excitement is… I do not know.  There is a wintry chill in the air which makes me feel a little like Christmas and I am cooking some food for myself which makes me feel homey and content.  I can not believe that I have a little time one my own in the quietness of the kitchen.  Like all of the “little ones” are all snug, tucked in their beds… my hosts down the street at their home and Jörn asleep.

So what to talk about today as I am preparing my meal.  I remind myself of when I was little and would concoct a delicacy from vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, stirring it and explaining it to… I don’t know… the audience… as if I was Julia Child.  My story to tell.  That is how I feel now.  Cooking my simple meal feeling extravagant about it as if I was a chef.  Brown rice.  Zucchini with some leeks, onions flavored with a little olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper and oregano.  Bon Appetite!

Today I cleaned rooms.  Yes you have heard me say this before…. but sometimes, cleaning rooms can be a  delight… yes and some distraction and time for a break or two… but definitely room for delight.  The beds are covered with big fluffy comforters and pillows.  Preparing the beds, cleaning and tidying up has room for some fun.  Time for warmth as if guests will be arriving soon.  And they will… a new seminar this weekend… in a few days.

Jörn is the most recent addition here at Wettenbostel.  My fellow traveler of sorts, as noted in recent posts.  Living in the town about 30 kilometers away, he arrived here on bicycle intending to begin an extended tour.  In his spirit of go with the flow, what he found instead was a whole world at the Seminar Haus inviting him in for a spell.  So he parked his bicycle and for now… he is here.  Jörn is German, as is not unheard of living here in Germany.  And his German is very good.  His English is… growing.  And in all fairness… my German is… well as Jörn said today “Genau, genau, genau”… that is practically the only word I can regularly recall.  Under most circumstances Jörn and I can communicate fairly well, him bravely speaking and expanding his English and me speaking slowly and finding simple and alternate ways of saying what I am trying to say.  But the other day after working, working working, I went to ask him a question and he ran away from me with the laundry basket on top of his head screaming, “I don’t speak English!”  I guess it was enough.

Returning again to the kitchen, enjoying my lovely meal, still appreciating the tickling coolness of the air… I will see what is next that calls me in the quietness of my evening.  A little painting.  Perhaps some Buddhist chanting. Some writing or reading.  All in this day.  And tomorrow can wait until… well tomorrow!

Photo from the Seminar Haus gardens by Michael Hartley

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Being in Balance

31 Oct

Balance.  Ah… that elusive pendulum… moving from side to side.  I think at some point, afraid of losing my balance…I just stopped moving at all… tried to stay very still.  Frozen.  This is not a good strategy for balance.  It promotes something that is a little more like… I don’t know… a rock…  Unmoving.   Unmoving rock=no balance.  I don’t recommend it.

So here I am starting to move and sway just a little bit in the locomotion of the balance of me… in Europe… in Wettenbostel.  For me, part of being in balance was just taking the leap and buying a ticket to come here over five months ago.  The beginning of motion…. of moving the rock.   A much-needed shift that was somehow essential for me.  I can remember not too long ago in New Orleans sitting at a Tom McDermott concert in City Park listening to his smooth sounds on the piano partnered with clarinetist Evan Christopher… and although I was enjoying the music… I also felt a creative yearning in me… that was somehow denied.  Not just denied, but that I felt like I had lost access to.  I asked myself, my greater wisdom… I know I am creative, but right now I don’t feel anything like creative.  What can I do to access my creativity again?  The answer I got was… leave the United States.  A little more fertilizer for the seed that was already planted.

I have learned that balance for me starts with simple thing… like getting a good night sleep, walks outside and being connected to nature, doing my regular healing practices like yoga and Reiki.  Drinking plenty of water, not eating sugar and eating healthy and balanced (not always easy for me here at the Seminar Haus!…) And remembering simple things like just listening to music makes me feel great… Some areas of balance for me are still being revealed.  When to go out and play.  Learning to set good boundaries with people.  Connecting to and listening to my heart.  Staying grounded.  Learning to work again… with persistence, fun and quality… and learning when, if no-one else will, to give myself a break.  Ah, there is a way.

My bicycling traveling German friend here in Wettenbostel, Jörn… who for the time being is not traveling and really not bicycling either… but still German, has been a good example for me about work and quality.  Somewhere programmed in his German being he has an immaculate work ethic, working thoroughly and diligently on every last detail.  It is really quite something to see.  Now don’t get me wrong… I have tried to influence him with some of my Big Easy, Laissez les Bon Temps Roulez attitude… but there is a time and place for everything, for all of it.  Balance.

Back in New Orleans, even before Hurricane Katrina… I took some time to make a big change in my life.  A move toward balance.  I took myself off of anti-depressant medication after being on them for ten years.  Paxil.  And in that experience, that rebirthing into me… I found there were many things that were no longer that easy for me anymore.  It was hard to concentrate.  Challenging to work.  Challenging to think clearly.  I got overwhelmed and anxious easily and found people and crowds sometimes too much to take.  I was moody.  Emotionally volitile.  At that time I found comfort in a friends who somehow understood or could relate to the intensity of the experience and transformation… one was a recovering alcoholic who had nearly killed himself drinking and the other had a stroke.  With them I shared an unexpected but shared experience of relearning some basic things and getting a new understanding of who I am and how to function in the world.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.

I had a nice conversation with my host while preparing breakfast for the seminar this weekend.  Some of his past experience includes work as a therapist with amazing experience in the healing and therapeutic worlds.  I shared with him my experience with getting off Paxil.  He acknowledged me for getting off of anti-depressents and shared that, in his opinion anti-depressents can really change the chemical balance of your brain and even damage it.  And while I aspire to create healing and wholeness for myself, I do feel impacted by the experience of being on Paxil.  The painful brain synapses that felt like electrical jolts in my brain while going off the drugs were a small indication of that.

So balance.  And learning, exploring and seeing ways of working and living again.  Trusting spirit.  Living today and letting things unfold.  So for today, after a busy weekend of work, I will relax.  Be in nature.  Maybe paint a little.  Just a day in Wettenbostel.  My life for now in Germany, in the flow.  Seeking balance.

Photo by Michael Hartley

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Power

28 Oct

There is a seminar here this weekend.  The first without my loyal porch companion and American, english speaker, Dan.  Dan has been here assisting at the Seminar Haus for about 5 years.  He is the one I could count on to handle things.  To pull the load.  To empty that last load of the dishwasher at the end of the day when I was… tired and just wanted to…go to bed.  And… he would get up at 7:00 in the morning and make breakfast for the guests while I comfortably slept in… did my morning meditation and yoga.  Alas, it seems those days are gone for now in Wettenbostel.  Perhaps it is time for me to grow and explore more of… my power.

Power is a word that I have shied away from, although I can feel it churning through me wanting to move me from the inside out to a new place in life.  Something in me is hesitant around power or wants to explore and have power in a way that is gentle and will not hurt anyone.  I got a little taste of my power last night while preparing the pumpkin soup for the seminar meal.  We use small whole pumpkins in the soup, known here as kürbis.  I grab a knife and sheepishly approach the subject… like a hesitant biology student approaching my first cadaver.  My host eagerly grabs a larger knife and says with enthusiasm, “no you don’t do it like that… you do it like this… Hi-Ay!”  And proceeds to chop it in half… and almost the table… but not really.  So it was my turn.  A little chop… trying not to hurt anyone… trying to be nice… uh… the knife gets stuck in the corbis about mid way through.  “Come on!,”  he says.  “Get centered… focus on one point” (an aikido term for your center… your power)… and I did and then Hi Ya!  Wow!  All the way through with quite a bit extra to spare!

I went to a healing workshop over the weekend in Hamburg.  It was hosted a by a friend, Olaf along with his colleague Laura.  It was their first workshop together.  The emphasis was on getting into your body. That is getting out of your head… being physically present within your body.  I have found over recent years that being in my head is a way that I avoid pain or uncomfortable emotions…. but it also keeps me disconnecting from life and being present.  The theme for the day was “arriving.” During the day long workshop we practiced simple things… like connecting with a partner and standing and sitting on each others feet… helping us to feel and be grounded.  We walked and danced and moved to music.  And we got in groups and took turns caring for one another with message, touch and energy work.

Later in the workshop we came to a point where we were doing a simple trust exercise.  One person is in the middle, like a pendulum, and they let go as all of us encircled around them gently catch them and nudge them in a new direction where they are caught again.  I was the last one to go.  I stood in the middle a little surprised by my hesitancy.  I was told by Laura, Olaf’s colleague, all you have to do is trust.  I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to do that.  I let go a little and they bobbed me gently from side to side.  And then I landed heavily in the space of Laura, one of the facilitators.  She let me land in her and then… she did not move me to a new direction… but held me in her… and she stayed there… and stayed there… and I stayed there.  I felt my own resistance and my arms and hands felt like led, almost unable to move.  I finally pulled away, and she engaged me straight in the eyes as I felt the pain pull and tug within me… wanting to hide yet also wanting to let go.  With compassion she said I would like to offer you a treatment.  I agreed and she gently led me aside for a private energy treatment.  I laid on the floor and she placed her hands in different positions on my body and with some gentle coaching on her part, something in me started to release.  Surrender. Deeps sobs came of my body from someplace deep within me… someplace that I had been hiding and holding on to for so long.  It really took something for me to allow those sobs to come through and after, I was bare… laying there like an exposed wounded child.

What do I do now? I asked her.  She acknowledged, as I felt, that this was just a crack off of a larger iceberg of pain.  Her advice was breathe… in an out and stay connected to my heart.  And when I needed help, find someone who can help me release what I am holding on to.  And then she invited me to come to their next workshop in a few weeks. Wow.  So many feelings coming up.  So intense. I slowly rejoined the group for the end of the workshop as I was met with kind and loving faces… gentle spirits.

The following day I returned to Wettenbostel a little timid from my experience, but grateful for the company of my host as he picked me up in the cold from the bus station.  It is quite something for me to be with those feelings and experiences inside… and yet another thing to allow others to be with me as I am present to them.  But as I see, this road is essential… almost as if there is no other way but, ya know… through.  As my German bicycling friend Jörn says, it is…the next step.

The following day I felt some of the benefits of the workshops.  As we had done work to reconnect us with our body, I felt like I had new legs.  Literally, as if there were a new pair I was trying on for the day.  And although they were a little stiff, I felt strong and useful in them.

And somewhere in all of that experience there is something  new…a new power.  And power that unfolds through allowing and release.  I had a dream the other night.  There was a chinese woman, with a bit of an attitude but who seemed to have a greater wisdom.  In the dream she told me the experience that I am now having is something new… something new is coming into me, something new is unfolding.  It is not the past, it is not the same.  I told her that I am afraid.  She said  “well…then its going to be hard.”

So with that I return to this day, the now in Wettenbostel.  My gratitude.  My safety within.  The freshness of the sunny autumn day surrounded by friendly seminar guests.  The first hints of a bustle in the kitchen before I help prepare tonight’s meal…tomato soup and salad.  No kürbis to chop tonight.  But perhaps somewhere in the chopping and serving and cleaning, in small and gentle ways I will continue to allow, connect and experience… my power.

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