Growth

28 Sep

It’s a chilly fall day here in Wettenbostel and I am on my own today for a little bit. I have felt unusually conspicuous today… secretly wishing there was some place I could hide away… while simultaneously feeling so awkwardly noticeable. The men around Wettenbostel were busy today doing work on the roof of the Big Dojo, one of the buildings here. And I hopped across the street to the home of our hosts to do a little work there. The sky was big and blue today… but mostly I’ve been diverted. I think it’s growth.

When it comes to growth sometimes you’ve got to shake your finger at it just a little bit… and give it at least a little tease. Big bad ol’ growth haunting the halls of my being. I feel like I have been living my life within the confines of a cylinder about 2 feet wide… a space in which I have contorted myself to fit it…. move a little… breathe sometimes… although not much… and something is trying to burst wide open. That cylinder is perhaps shaped and molded with my ideas of what is right and wrong, good and bad and how I and other should and should not be. It is uncomfortable stay this way at any rate. But here I am… still holding on. Growth.

Elizabeth, my Reiki teacher, turned me on to a website called flylady. It’s a beautiful little site put together buy a woman to help people clean and take care of their homes in a way that is loving and supportive of themselves. Fly stands for “finally loving yourself” and she joking talks about CHAOS… can’t have people over syndrome. Cute. At any rate, what I love about her site is she has created baby steps for people who want to take better care of themselves and their home but perhaps are lost in a world of clutter, dirt, disorganization and are overwhelmed. Baby steps are what she recommends and she outlines I think 30 of them… one to take each day. No more. No less. Simple loving things that can gently be worked into the routine. I think that is what I need today. A dose of baby steps. Learning to be gentle with myself and others.

The highlight of the day… a long walk in the woods. We are surrounded by squares of fields which are lined with wooded roads for loggers and farming equipment. I ventured into the woods today on a now familiar path. A much needed and loved venture into the wilderness…if only for a little bit.

I cooked a little dinner for the group tonight and we ate in community… if ever so briefly. There is something nice about eating some good food and having us all collected together. If even for moments. If even mostly what is heard is the sound of chewing and moaning sounds of food being enjoyed.

So growth is the buzzword for the day. I’ll mix it in with a little compassion, a few baby steps and maybe I’ll have something I can work with. In the meantime. the quietness of the night has set in. Tonight I’ll take it light and await the morning when I’m greeted with the fresh morning light and the Japanese garden outside my window welcoming me to a new day.

Photo by Michael Hartley