Greetings from the frozen tundra of Wettenbostel. Perhaps that is stating it a bit dramatically, but suffice to say it has been cold. My litmus test for cold – my Canadian host, raised where it was so cold that a child once died walking to school, agrees… it is cold outside. And so…it must be true.
It is the reality of hibernation here in Wettenbostel. We have had no seminars since before the holidays. My painting project has progressed from the ceiling of the seminar room to the walls. The adventure on the colder days consists of running, quickly from the main house to the Big Dojo where I am painting. On bolder days, an afternoon stroll. I must admit that the cold air feels fresh shooting through my body and is perhaps something that I have needed after thirteen years of living in the steamy heat among the bayous of New Orleans. Even so, I feel like a pioneer living in the big house, feeding the fire that helps heat the house with coal like a mother feeds her child. I walk briskly, scarf and mittens intact, scrambling from my comfortably heated room through the cold air of the hallways to find respite in the general warmth of the kitchen. Even in the cold, I am grateful to have the sanctuary of the Seminar Haus to stay for a bit.
I have relocated to an upstairs room which does not regularly connect to the wifi on the seminar haus compound. I find myself unwilling to leave the cocoon of my warm room. So here I am dangling into the bathroom connected to my room reaching and grabbing for a few internet bars. So far so good.
I have had a visitor here for the week. A young woman named Rachel visiting from Australia through helpx.net. Generally, communication is not a problem between us as… for the most part… we speak the same language. The city of Perth is her home and it heralds a warm climate. She has spent at least half of her week here in the winter of Wettenbostel looking a little… blue… and not because she is sad, but because she is cold. I have done my best to pass on my cold weather tips I have gathered… perpetual hot tea, wool socks on feet, scarf on neck, layers, and of course… wool, wool, wool!
The solitude and stillness of winter continues to feed time for exploration… I am exploring the possibility of teaching English as a second language here in Europe and also looking into my next place to visit for a bit (thinking sunny and warmer!). Of course I am still tending to the fires of my personal healing and well-being.
As some of you may know from past posts, I was on the anti-depressant drug Paxil for about ten years. I went through the challenge of getting off Paxil about 8 years ago and thought I should just leave that in the past. But, as Iyanla Vanzant, spiritual author and teacher, says, you know that you have healed something from your past when you can talk about it without anymore anger, sting or trigger. Me and Paxil – we are not there yet. I thought perhaps it was best to be quiet about my challenges with Paxil, on and off the drug, and leave it in the past. However, being quiet does not always set one free. It can do just the opposite. It can be suffocating.
Paxil, as some may know, is a popular anti-depressant prescribed for a whole host of things – OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), depression, social anxiety… and more… I was put on it at the age of 22 in 1993 assured that in a few years I could stop taking it. I was just to use it as a means to get me through a tough time. I was on Paxil for ten years because of its challenging withdrawal symptoms… As the title of one article about Paxil taunts, Paxil is Forever … As stated by an attorney representing a class action suit against the makers of Paxil, “the scariest part about this is that there are people out there trying to get off this drug who are experiencing these horrible withdrawal reactions. They think it’s because of something wrong with them, when it’s really the Paxil – – and then they take even more and further exacerbate the problem!” Amen sister. They’re singing my song.
After doing a little bit of internet research, I found and contacted a law firm that handled a class action suit of about 3000 people on Paxil around six years ago. The suit was for non-disclosure of withdrawal symptoms. They won the case and as a result the makers of Paxil, Glaxo Smity Kline, now are required to make public the withdrawal symptoms and can no longer advertise that it is non-habit forming. An ABC broadcast tells the story of how Paxil had found in their research that more than 21% of those taking the drug experienced withdrawal symptoms and the company hid that research. These withdrawal symptoms, as they were with me, can be so severe it seems nearly impossible to get off the drug. People have written their stories and programs for successfully getting off of Paxil and one non-profit called the Road Back even offers a series of vitamin supplements to assist in the process.
Just a little bit of research has shown me that there are thousands of Paxil and former Paxil users who either can’t get off of the drug or went through a life changing experience getting off of it. It is almost of epidemic proportions. For me getting off of Paxil was one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life. And if I had not been 100% no turning back committed, I am not sure I could have done it. I wrote more about this experience in an earlier blog, Unburdening. For me, it helped having a period of time where I did not work. I sold my car to cut down on expenses. I started taking yoga. I joined an on-line Paxil withdrawal support group. I bought a pill cutter to slowly wean myself off of it (liquid form is now available for that purpose…). And when my mind and body felt like they were going to go astray, I kept the book Prospering Power of Love close at hand to focus on and read it like a mantra. Now, eight years after being off of the drug I can say I earnestly no longer have a physical or psychological desire to be back on it. But there were many times even years after being off of it, I wondered if I could make it and my life and my being felt like they were turned inside out.
When I stopped taking Paxil I was about 32. One of my motivations for getting off of Paxil was wondering, if I wanted to have children, what impact these drugs would have on an unborn child, marinated in Paxil for 9 months. And sure enough, those instincts and, gosh, common sense really, were right. The latest litigation against Paxil? You guessed it – birth defects. I also, of course, wondered what these drugs were doing to me and my brain long-term. I have not yet found much research on that, but I am still suspicious that some of my current challenges are a result of long-term effects from taking Paxil for ten years.
In my reaching out recently I have been connected with quite a few resources regarding Paxil, getting off of Paxil, and antidepressants in general. Great information to have upfront if you or someone you know is on Paxil and would like to get off of it. Please keep in mind that I am not a medical doctor and I did not personally used these resources below when getting off Paxil. Here they are:
The Antidepressant Solution by Dr. Joseph Glenmullen helps safely guide you off of antidepressants like Paxil.
A man named Mr. Fiddaman wrote his own guide of how he got off of Paxil. If you email him at fiddaman64@blueyonder.co.uk he will email it to you. He also has a blog about it…http://fiddaman.blogspot.com/
The Road Back is a non-profit organization that has uses vitamins to assist through the withdrawal process. The website is theroadback.org
And here is a site where you can report your side-effects to the FDA… http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/HowToReport/default.htm.
quitpaxil.org is an on-line resource to support people getting off of Paxil.
And of course if you are experiencing challenges going off Paxil, you can always contact me.
I will continue to write in my blog about my adventures with Paxil. And what about you? Do you have any stories or experience to share about Paxil or other SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) drugs? Perhaps your own personal journey. I’d love to hear from you. Your challenges, triumphs or experiences, encouragement… Please write!
Gypsy Woman 
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