The Wall

17 Sep

Well, here I am.  Back in Wettenbostel.  I arrived after a somewhat harried train ride through unexpected parts of Germany.  I have been here for a week now.  We have a seminar here this weekend which means all three buildings filled with seminar attendants.  Plenty of food to prepare and dishes to clean.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner.  It is sort of strange how I find some comfort in that this weekend.  Comfort in preparing the food.  Being of service.

This week has been a little unruly for me… not so much on the outside as on the inside.  Perhaps it has something to do with that wall.  That wall I constructed of maybe kryptonite… nearly indestructible nonetheless.  It seems to be coming down.  Some days that is okay.  Some days I do not like it.  And some days I just feel sad.

I think it is kind of hard, kind of difficult to live this gypsy life exploring new places, new people, new ways… with a giant wall intact.  It is quite a heavy load and at some point… it just begins to come down…And in truth, it kind of looks strange – traveling around with that giant wall.  Some of the wall began to crumble this week when a visitor, a German friend of my host in Wettenbostel met me and minutes later shared in German… “that woman is so sad.  I see nothing but sadness in her eyes.”  When minutes later this was translated and shared with me in English, I felt like I wanted to run and hide.  I was caught… me and my sadness.  Oh no, I’ve been seen.  I’ve got to get out of here… or at least get away from that man who can see the sadness in me.  As life can go, that man ended up staying around for about 4 days.  After a while it was hard to avoid… that man… my sadness… the wall.  He did not speak good English, but we had a good little chat or two… many sounds and hand signals were involved to try to get each others point across… which is ultimately… kind of fun.  And then he left.  And there I was with pieces of my wall crumbling down and my sadness exposed.

It’s not all sadness, this wall coming down.  There is still time for some play.  Last night I joined my fellow American visiting here in Wettenbostel and our host in an evening out to hear some music in the nearby town, Lüneburg.  It was good to see and feel that good music can still soothe the soul.  I love the connection to that innate desire that just wants to move and shake.  Some of the music was good.  Some was… an adventure.  We listened to really amazing African based music played with an instrument…that I cannot identify.  But it was inspiring, fun and healing.  And other music.. well, let’s just say that Billy Idol was involved.

So here I am.  It’s Saturday morning still.  Breakfast was served and lunch will soon be underway.  The group visiting this weekend are “regulars” of sorts… so some familiar faces and friends visiting.  And as for me and my wall….  well, it’s still there. Not destroyed in a day. But I have set it down for a bit… a little respite in the sun.  Some holes have been busted through and there is some… vulnerability exposed.  All too human.  But what else is one to do as a gypsy in life?  Learn and grow.  And risk.  Risk letting go and have the self be exposed.  And a little good music… and oh a little sun today… those things never hurt either.

Until next time.  Thanks for taking this journey with me!

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