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Wettenbostel

19 Sep

It is a cool Monday afternoon.  Time is moving slow today… some rest and relaxation after the busy weekend.  Autumn is creeping into Wettenbostel as the leaves are changing color and there is a chill in the air.  On occasion during morning walks I can see my breath.  A new experience for me as I spent the past 12 years in the heat of New Orleans.  In many ways it’s a refreshing change.

Wettenbostel, as you may have concluded, is a small town.  It’s not even a town really, it’s a village.   Hamburg is about an hour away by car.  But if you live in Hamburg you have likely never heard of Wettenbostel.  But here it is, tucked in among the potato and sugar beet fields.  Population 57 I think is what I heard.  That’s not including the neighboring sheep, horses, goats and chickens.

The Seminar Haus and Bed and Breakfast where I am visiting is run by a married couple who are both Reiki Masters.  They have a house where they live just up the road.  And here at the seminar house there are three buildings… the Big House, the Dojo and the Little Dojo. Dan, the other American here and myself both stay in the “Big House”.  There are big expansive gardens.  They are not typical German gardens with neat beds all in a row.  They are flourishing and original, just like the gardener.

The Seminar Haus has a flavor and culture of its own nestled in this little world of Wettenbostel.  It has been here for I think 30 years and over the years it has seen creative summer camps, Aikido workshops led by Reiki Master Paul Mitchell as well as visits and workshops led by the Grand Master of Reiki, Phyllis Lei Furumoto.  It is typical on a given weekend to be hosting seminars such as yoga retreats, Gestalt Therapy training, and even drumming circles.  There are many people who feel connected to this place and its extended family is far-reaching.  From the friends who stop by down the road for a glass of red wine to the dozens of Reiki Maters throughout Europe, there are many unexpected faces who in some way call this place home.  For the Americans out there, it’s kind of reminds me of the television show Cheers… with its array of characters… colorful, fun and sometimes unpredictable… just stopping by.

On a typical day, when there is no seminar, some things perhaps are predictable.  You will likely see Dan and lately myself on the porch of the Big House… often with a nose in a book or computer.  And at some point during the day Dan will get the hot tub going… affectionately called by German seminar goers as the “hot pot”… for a relaxing dip in the tub.

And today, well the sun is shining for now and there is an offering of a little blue sky.  Dan as we speak is getting the hot tub ready… preparing wood and starting the fire.  It’s a good day to relax.  Just be as the week will unfold more work to be done.  Just another day in Wettenbostel…

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Freedom

31 Aug

Freedom. Ah, perhaps one of the most questioned topics….  Janis Joplin, spiritual texts.  But what is freedom… really?  I suppose it just depends on who you ask…

I have been in the Netherlands now for about two weeks, and I have to say it has grown on me.  It has a sweet and simple essence to it and it is a pleasure to be surrounded by bicycles, canals, cows, sheep and of course windmills as part of the daily landscape on any average day.  Time here the past few days has resumed a moderate pace.  Marijke returning to work.  Me mostly staying by the house except for a walk here, a bicycle ride there.

A few nights ago Marijke invited two friends over for a Reiki exchanged.  I witnessed the rhythm of the evening as it was explained to me before hand…  Coffee, tea and something to eat… (strawberry pie for the non-sugar eaters… everyone but me…), then upstairs for Reiki share (for non-Reiki people, simply this includes gathering around a Reiki/massage table and taking turns giving and receiving Reiki…), and then return downstairs for more socializing and more to drink… some wine perhaps… and more snacks too.  A different beat from our Reiki shares in the States, less formal… and generally no tea and snacks served…

Her guests and friends for Reiki were a friendly married couple and it was a fun “dutch” experience for me.  They mostly indulged my need to speak English and we talked and shared and laughed about what was true in the States, what is true in the Netherlands and in Europe.  Marijke almost fell off her chair laughing when she heard it was not uncommon in the States to sing the National Anthem at “important” events.  This just doesn’t compute to her dutch mind… it is even a little ridiculous…  And flag bearing and waving, well perhaps just a little less regarded here in Holland.  They do, they said, when they remember, fly the Dutch flag on the Queens birthday.  That’s sweet.

Nationalism, the topic turned, has a bit of a different flair here in Europe as well.  According to my intimate conversation with a select three Europeans, there is still a significant degree of sensitivity to ideas like nationalism since the impact of the Second World War.  It is fine to love one’s country… but perhaps there is a fear, a concern of taking that too far… An example was offered of being in Ireland where an Irish man started singing his national anthem with pride.  There was also a fellow there from Germany and when he was invited to sing his anthem, “Germany above all… above all in the world…” there was hesitation… even perhaps, disgrace.  It certainly puts a different context on history to be in the countries where the atrocities of WWII happened… something that over in the states we are mostly isolated from…

But alas, Europe and the States are not all that far apart in some ways.  American culture has leaked into European culture and you see it everywhere.  Sometimes with a chuckle.  And at times, a little disturbing… Just today I was walking around the nearby shopping area and heard Lionel Ritchie “Say you, Say me” being piped in through the overhead music.  And the neighbors have a dog named Neil… named after Neil Diamond.

As the pace here gets slower and Marijke’s work schedule gets busier… it seems it will shortly be time to leave the Netherlands.  Or at the very least depart from the generosity and comfort of Marijke’s home.  We discussed this briefly today.  It will soon be time to go.  And the idea of being some place else, some place new brought to me… well, excitement.  Cool… something new… what’s next?  Could this feeling be something like… Freedom?…

Ah, it’s the adventurer in me that often excited by the spirit of something new.  But I have to admit I am not always smooth in this transition.  I can recall times in the past when something has come to a close… being delighted by the feeling of the possibility of what is next… something new… and then stricken with anxiety wandering through the uncertainty of it.  Well, it’s a way perhaps… a way to waddle from point A to point B… meandering through the uncertainty.  But perhaps this time will be different… a gentle shift from what is now to what is next.  A new country perhaps?

Which brings us to the original theme when I first arrived here in the Netherlands to stay in Marijke’s home… that is “go where you want to go, do what you want to do… we are loving you!”  Freedom.

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Living In Stress

26 Aug

Yes, technically, I am living in Alkmaar, Netherlands.  I don’t mean to confuse you.  But sometimes it feels like I am… living in stress.  What is stress actually?  Technically?  I am sure someone, somewhere out there who is reading this knows for sure.  Stress.  It seems that I am encountering it… have encountered it…. in the midst of my leisurely stroll throughout Europe.  What to do?  Who to be?  How to make a living…  I am not trying to be stressed about it… but alas it seems it is there nonetheless.

In truth it feels like something in me is about to bust loose… and something else in me is holding on tight for dear life… trying to hold back the reigns… gripping dearly.  Keeping those big ol’ wings from busting out… anyway, I digress…But this feels like…. stress.  It reminds me of a little song my friend and host in Wettenbostel, Germany sang to me onetime after Reiki… she sang, “Hold on tightly, let go lightly…”.  It was sweet and simple and made me laugh.  And it actually seems like practical advice.

A friend of mine the other day wrote to me that I had some wild oats to sow… while I am here in Europe… At first the thought of this sounded exhausting.  Oh no, I thought… didn’t I sow my wild oats in my 30s?… I quit my full time job, I worked at a youth hostel… I flew to California to meet up with an Australian driving a car he called… well, nevermind… but didn’t I do that already?  And I’m 40… haven’t people already sowed their oats by the time they are 40?  I thought perhaps this next phase of my life might look more like… I don’t know… Mother Teresa or something….

But then something happened.  I noticed it during yoga.  I was laying down in shavasana and I felt a little something in me… it was like the essence of.. the spirit of… someone I know who I would say “sows her wild oats”…I won’t mention any names… and that essence, that spirit… was in me…. Yes I noticed a little hint of wild expression… joie de vivre…in me… ready to play.  I wasn’t sure what to do with this.  I felt a little parental with it, thinking, oh now… can’t we just… I don’t know… keep that under control somehow…

So as for sowing wild oats, we will see… what happens… what emerges.  Yes that’s the way.. blossom, flower, go with the flow…  Sowing wild oats is not necessarily something one can program or plan… let’s see, this Friday I will meet up with my friend Thomas for lunch and after lunch I will… SOW MY WILD OATS!!!… no it doesn’t work that way.  And honestly, I can’t say that I know what it would look like at this point in my life.  I don’t really drink.  Drugs are mostly a bore.  I’ve been doing yoga, meditating and reading healing spiritual books… practically nonstop…for the last 7 years… Golly gee, is it possible it’s time for something different?  Or at least a little shift… maybe moving towards some… I don’t know… balance?

But for tonight… no wild oats to be sewn just yet.  Whew… Sometimes I feel a little bit like the nerdy kid in the movie 16 candles… the one who is begging his parents to let him be home with them as they drag him off to the dance.  “No, he says!  I want to be home with you!…”  The little child within me, wanting to stay home, tucked in safe and sound.

And as for stress and living and well all of that… it’s okay.  Because it too will plays its game.  It’s tug of war with its way.  And I will…. well hold on tightly… let go lightly and MAYBE…eventually… let loose and have  some fun!

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Feeding My Soul

13 Aug

I just finished reading the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, the same author who wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love – a book and now movie of her year adventure overseas after the end of her marriage.  Committed is a continuation of the “love” story from her first book.  One of the things that struck me in the book was her description of her now husband, “Felipe”, as a traveler.  She says what makes him a traveler is his ability to make himself at home anywhere in the world.  He likes it simple.  He might even be boring… but he has a capacity to carve out his world anywhere that he is in the world and make himself at home.  Now, I am new to traveling and definitely new to being in countries that don’t speak my language, but I think if I would have to call myself a traveler… that is the kind of traveler that I am.  Like Felipe.  Knowing and liking some things that feed my soul and seeking to create those things around me wherever I go…

There are some things I just love, that light me up, and finding and connecting with them brings me peace no matter where I am.  Yes, there is a particular delight in experiencing some of these things in new places… What is great about new places… especially for me in Europe… is that just going down a new road or new path can be a sheer delight!

Top on my list of feeding my soul is bicycle riding.  How great it is!  My dream, my wish when living back in the Metairie, a suburb of New Orleans, and considering where else I might live, was the next place that I lived would be a fun place to ride my bike.  At the time Europe wasn’t even on the map, but when it comes to bicycle riding Europe has far exceeded my expectations!  Now here in Alkmeer, Netherlands, this place is so bicycle friendly that there are roads created just for bicycles – no cars allowed.  And we’re not talking just paths alongside the main road, which of course they have, but distinct roads just for bicycles (and scooters…)  that easily pave their way around the community and into town.  These roads even have street names… like a real road. Amazing.

Yesterday Marijke and I took a bicycle ride into the center of Alkmeer.  She has two bicycles and was kind enough to lend me the newer, fancier one.  Ah so smooth and good to ride!  We easily followed the path from her home along the canal-lined bicycle road… and in only four kilometers we parked our bikes and enjoyed our tour around the cobblestone roads and stores at the center of town.  Holland is nice and flat like New Orleans since it too is below sea level which is great for endless and tireless bike-riding. It feels so good and independent to me to just hop on a bicycle and go somewhere… particularly somewhere beautiful.  And, this same path into town takes you to the train station… and from there you can go… anywhere!…

I have to say that it also feeds my soul to have access to  a car… not necessarily my own personal car, but wheels nonetheless.  I love the feeling of being able to just pick up and move… movement.  Just last night I asked Marijke if she would like to join me for a stroll… her response was… would you like to go for a stroll at the sea?… the sea, I thought.  Well of course!  I had never thought of that… not knowing we were so close to the sea and that it was easily accessible for evening strolling.  Being an American chick, I had not yet been to the “sea”… but to the ocean, the gulf… The sea sounded great!  So we hopped in her car and within about 15 minutes and a beautiful tree lined drive, we were at the sea!  At first I didn’t believe her as there were dunes blocking the view to the right.  But she said, and over those dunes is… the sea.  And I walked a little… and looked… and there it was… in its beautiful magnificence.

Which brings us to the next thing that feeds my soul… beauty!  Particularly natural beauty!  Love it!  It was about 9pm and the sun was starting to set and the water spread out like glass.  The tide was low and the water stretched out from the beach clean and long.  Its smoothness spoke like a sea… so calm and alive.  Marijke said that if I swam out into the sea… and just kept on going… I would reach Britain.  I took her word for that.  But, with just a quick snappy drive we both enjoyed a stroll with a scenery and a world that was utterly satisfying.  And a full moon, too!

Apart from these outer-worldly soul soothing activities, this traveler also needs to satisfy my soul from the inside.  Simple things like a regular dose of Course in Miracles… a short read of the text and nearly daily practice of the workbook in back.  My daily practice of the Art of Living Sudarshan Krya… and of course Reiki.  These spiritual tools are priorities in my travel backpack and feed my soul whether I am in Marijke’s home in Holland or hanging out at the Seminar Haus in Wettenbostel.  And with these tools I am willing to travel… to places new to me and undiscovered… both inside and out.

So, here I am, learning to feed my soul no matter what the scenery… what the location…  Right now I am in Marijke’s kitchen watching the rain pour on the canal outside while her cat Sil keeps me company on the kitchen table.  Much rain here.  They say it is not typical for this time of year.  So for now we dart out when we can during the dry times.  Sometimes we see a spec of sun.  And when it is not dry… well, staying warm and dry someplace inside.  Enjoying a cup of a tea, a good book.  Ya know…

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Abundant

11 Aug

Well, my world has shifted a little bit.  Just a car ride away (about 6 hours) from the small but big world of Wettenboste,  Germany, I have now arrived at the home of Reiki Master Marijke Lemmen in Alkmarr, a city in the Netherlands.  A new language, new people, and I had to cross a very large dike to get here….  So here is my new and exciting information I have gained about the Netherlands that I will now share with you….

The Netherlands as we all know is also called Holland… so what is the difference?  Why do some people call it Holland and some people call it the Netherlands… I didn’t know….  Well, what I learned is that technically the country’s name is the Netherlands and a large and important region within the Netherlands is known as Holland… So, somehow, some way of which I am not totally clear… the country also became referred to as Holland.  So, next … that big dike we drove on to get here… it is called the Afsluidijk and it is 32 kilometers long (that’s 20 miles…)  For those of you from New Orleans to appreciate – it is not quite as long as the the causeway (23.83 miles) which crosses Lake Ponchartrain and incidentally holds the Guininess Book for World Records for longest bridge in the world over continuous water… but it is long nonetheless.  While driving on Afsluidijk the north sea is on one side…to the north… and on the other side is an lake created by the dike called Ijsselmeer, translated as lake Ijssel.

Before the construction of the Afsluidijk and other dikes, the Netherlands was a smaller country.  It is the intricate dike system that gave it access to new land that without the dikes is submerged in water.  Again, New Orleans people will appreciate this as New Orleans itself is below sea level.  The bonus of the Netherlands, though, is it has no hurricanes…. although it too has it’s history with storms and flooding.  They have a Monarchy which is mostly not involved in the politics of this Democracy.  And there is a strong social infrastructure here that supports people and families with good medical care and financial and housing support if they are out of work.  However, about 40% of their paycheck goes to the government to support this system… Yikes! It is one of the most densely populated countries on earth… which does not surprise me from the  small glimpse of it I have seen,  streets populated with rows of townhouse like homes and apartment buildings.

The temperature is cool here today and I am beginning to accept that I need to throw my ideas of what summer is like out the door.  I am wearing long pants and a fleece jacket with a raincoat when outside.  It is overcast and the wind here has a bite.  Yes this is a windy little country with gusts that will come up from behind and grab ya – kind of like the the windy little town where my mom and dad now live…Belton, Missouri of all places!  Marijke’s community of Alkmaar is on the Northwestern side of the country not far from Amsterdam.  It’s population of about 100,000 people is a world away from Wettenbostels population of, I think 58… that’s 57 now that my host’s daughter has moved…  Alkmaar has that European sensibility for bicycle riding with easy bicycle paths lining many roadways.

As I am settling in to spend a little time here, I am often overwhelmed by people’s generosity and Marijke’s generosity specifically to invite me here as a guest in her home.  As I explore my way in her home the theme here seems to reflect a song we sang as people were leaving Friends and Reiki last weekend in Wettenbostel… it went like this… “rainbow (insert name, like… Teresa)… rain bow (insert name)… go where you want to go, do what you want to do… we are loving you…” So I am here honored to be a guest and exploring what it is like to be in the space of someone saying – go where you want to go, do what you want to do… and in that space, also honor, respect and contribute to them…

And all of this is… well, abundant.  Especially the groceries we picked up today!  It has become clear to me just how much I love good, simple food and how it is a way that I really feel cared for and nurtured.  It has been fun living in Wettenbostel and getting more comfortable preparing food and doing that in community with others.

So, wow, I am in the Netherlands!  The wind is blowing!  And I am exploring “go where I a want to go… do what I want to do…”

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Changes

9 Aug

Cha-changes.  They seem to be everywhere.  Changes on the inside.  Changes on the outside… and not just for me… this gypsy wanderer from New Orleans…  I am sitting in room number three in the “small dojo”  at the seminar haus in Wettenbostel savoring a bowl of muesli with strawberries (erdbeeren…) and bananas.  Still sort of basking in the wake of the Friends and Reiki weekend….an extended journey in Reiki with Reiki Masters and practitioners gathering from Holland, Germany and Austria… lots of Reiki treatments!

The theme that jumped out from the weekend was…changes.  It was interesting to see that everyone at the gathering was in major life transition in some way.  We took an evening to share about our transitions.  The common theme in our changes and desire for changes was… Balance.  Balance in our lives and relationships, with our food, our family, the world around us.  Balance within.  And balance with our work and play and the way that we create and earn money in the world.  We shared and took note of what really mattered to each of us… and perhaps wondering where we went astray from that… and looking at… what is next.

For me personally, so much of my adult life has been dedicating to healing.  It wasn’t until my past year in New Orleans that I finally began to experience a deeper, quieter place in myself. A place in me where I could just… ahhh… exhale fully.  I felt the need to keep my life really basic.  This included minimal financial responsibilities, simple responsibilities with work and minimal responsibilities in relationships.   I house-sat in two different homes my past year in New Orleans.  My job was selling Shiitake Mushrooms at our local farmers market for a very kind Mississippi farmer.  The simplicity of this space gave me time and energy just to be with me.  I can recall walking by myself along the train tracks near where I was staying feeling something begin to settle in my bones.  Me.

And then of course what started to happen in my life?  You guessed it.  Changes!  My furniture in a leaky storage unit got damaged from mold… nearly everything had to be thrown away.  The house where I was house-sitting sold… yeah for the house… but what next?… and then my lovely 1996 Ford Taurus which I bought in Austin, Texas shortly after Hurricane Katrina let me know life was heading for changes.  It broke down beyond repair.  I gratefully sold it to a mechanic who was willing to take it off my hands… and then I was, well, perhaps free…

As these changes happened so quickly for me, it was a little more than my brain could sort through and organize, so I reached out for support.  I contacted Maureen Pua’ena O’Shaughnessy, a Reiki Master in Hawaii who also works as an intuitive guide, and scheduled a phone session with her.   She assured me that all of these changes at once were an opportunity to see what I really wanted – that it was indeed possible to have a good healthy work life, earn money, have a place to live where I loved and still have and cultivate the peace and soft pace I had started to love, nurture and need in my life.  And she let me know that as I became an “energetic match” for that life, that which I wanted and needed – including a satisfying but balanced and well paid work life…would show up in my world.  And if I wasn’t quite a match for it yet… if I still needed to grow, then something else juicy would come along in the meantime –  like a trip or travel… and here I am in Europe.  Growing.  Restoring.  Exploring the texture and feel of balance for me in my life.

One area of growth for me is… well in truth… people.  All of them.  Most of them… I can tend to feel… uneasy around… people.  This is not some prejudice I have towards people…  I can also be uneasy around dogs, bees and other various creatures.  But while I began to find my comfort in me, I am still exploring extending that same comfort within myself when I am not by myself.  This weekend at Friends and Reiki was an excellent chance to shake up my comfort zone a little bit and extend myself… and it was… well, uncomfortable.   I was surprised at my feeling of inner panic as if noone asked me to dance at the high school prom. I wanted to run and hide when the group arrived, like I was four years old hanging on to my mothers leg.  But the joy of the weekend came from poking myself out a bit more than usual… connected conversations, playing the drums with others, even playing a little guitar and singing together… things that I secretly desired to do with others, but prior to this had almost exclusively done them by myself all alone…  ah…Balance.

And today my gypsy is tugging at my sleeve again as I prepare to travel to a new place.  Like Mary Poppins packing up my bag and heading off… to where the wind blows. Tomorrow  I will join Marijke Lemmen, a friend in Reiki and Reiki Master as she returns home to Holland.  The situations in my life shift so quickly-like the weather here in Wettensbostel, cold in the morning, sunny midday, stormy by afternoon… except when, perhaps the sun might peek out again…  Totally unexpected.

So life moves on.  And how great it is to be connected with others… changing and balancing.  Perhaps you are too… it seems to be a phenomenon these days.  I have started sending Reiki energy to the idea of change and balance in my life and to those who were at the Reiki gathering.  A little extra support as things spin and shift within us reflected in our outside world.

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Unburdening

2 Aug

You may have noticed that I have a new heading and name on my blog… gypsy woman!  And yes a wandering flower at that.  How does one become a gypsy woman you may ask?  I suppose it all starts when you begin to go with the flow, listen to within… and finally take a leap. That and losing all of your personal belongings… twice… doesn’t hurt…  I got a clue of my impending wandering ways while staying at someone’s home in New Orleans.  She gave me the book called “Tales of a Female Nomad“…  Was she trying to tell me something?…

I have always had a little bit of a nomad in me, from living in London for a semester in college, summers in California and Wisconsin while studying in college, and then, later taking a 6 week drive around the United States in my early 30s…friends wondering and asking… what are you doing?… and even, what are you running from?

All wandering aside, I must say this transition into and passage of adulthood has been quite… unexpected.  Beginning with my launch out of college it became clear that I had to put MY plans aside, because something else was happening… something else was going on.  Just months before graduation from the University of Tulsa I found myself… paralyzed… I was unable to concentrate, couldn’t stop obsessive thoughts.  I was locked in fear and feeling like I needed to try to hide it from everyone around me.  I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, was highly anxious and sheepishly found my way to the college counseling center.  They sent me home to my family for a long weekend break… then I returned to school and white knuckled my way through the rest of the semester.  After graduation rather than big jobs and opportunity, I found great humility as I was barely able to function let alone just be.  I began seeing a therapist.  As I sat in her office sobbing for reasons I did not understand, she eventually put me on antidepressants and that was the beginning of my relationship with Paxil.  30mg a day… Years later I spoke with the woman who was my therapist and she encouraged me to see that time in my life as a beginning.  And a beginning it was… of unpacking… unleashing.. and God, eventually just learning, some days, to let it be…

The antidepressants did not light up my life, but quieted my mind enough so I could function in the world.  Despite my general melancholy, I was able to work a few years in St. Louis and then I chose to go to graduate school at the University of Missouri, Columbia to prepare for a career in Student Affairs at Colleges and Universities. This led me to my job at Newcomb College at Tulane University and… beautiful New Orleans!

New Orleans was and has been… a trip.  After three years in the University environment I left for new adventures.  I moved from the University neighborhood to an area known as Mid-City near Bayou St. John.  I found myself surrounded by a pedestrian community, coffee shops and artists.  It was the sort of neighborhood I had always dreamed of living in.  But in this experience, there was one thing I needed to attend to… the next order of business in my life… it was…getting off of antidepressants.

I had been on Paxil at this point for about ten years.  I had no experience of myself as an adult without them, could only imagine what sex might be like without being on them and also thought, gosh if I got pregnant what would these things do to a baby?…  Previously, whenever I would try to get off of them my body, mind and emotions would react so severely I just decided that I was not “ready” yet.  But this time was different.  My conviction was clean and determined and I was clear that this was the end of me and antidepressants.  I was working a seasonal job for the local Jazz Festival, a chaotic yet creative place to work.  The doctor I saw who wrote my prescriptions for Paxil asked… are you sure this is the best time to do this… and I thought… it is as good a time as any…

Getting off of antidepressants was a major transition time in my life. It may have been worse than the experience that had them prescribed to me in the first place…  I gave up everything I didn’t need in my life so I could keep it as simple as possible as my mind and my emotions were erratic and in a very brittle state.  I even gave up my car so I would not have a need to work more to earn the money to pay for it… …  I joined an on-line support group of other people getting off Paxil that I found through an on-line search.  It was a nice anonymous way to be supported and to see and hear that there were other people having the challenges that I was.  Many people on the site were very angry and felt misled by the medication as its side effects and withdrawal symptoms at the time were not disclosed.  For me and other people, Paxil is one of those antidepressants that is difficult to stop taking.  I used tools like a pill cutter to cut my pill in half, then in half and half of half so that I could oh so easily and gently wean myself off of this…  finding comfort in my on-line support group that the symptoms I was experiencing were not unique to me and in fact a reaction to getting off the drug.  I experienced strange flashes of pain in my brain like synapses, nausea and my level of anxiety was off the charts.  And I cried.  And cried.  And cried.  When I initially got on the drug no one mentioned that it would be difficult to discontinue use.  I began to buy things like herbal tea to help me to relax a little to try to get to sleep at night…

One day I met a man named Mahdi Fard at the local coffee shop.  He was writing a book and was part of a healing team exploring methods for life and spiritual growth.  I soon met his wife Stephanie Jupiter and other members of the team and found myself working and learning with them.   One of their messages was a commitment to excellence and that first we have to make a commitment to excellence for ourselves.  That inspired me to be my champion in my effort to heal and be whole without antidepressants and I began with attending a yoga class once a week.  Yoga, a new practice for me and something I found quite foreign at the time, became a place where for an hour and a half  I could begin to lay my burdens down.  I took classes with a soft and caring instructor,  Sean Johnson, the owner of a studio called Wild Lotus Yoga in New Orleans.  The studio was about 5 miles away from my apartment and I made a commitment to ride my bicycle there every week.  It was a challenge at first, but soon it became my bliss.  My refuge. That weekly class was a pillar for me and I looked forward to it to get me from week to week.  The class was so gentle and kind and loving as my body slowly started to soften, relax and open up.

It turned out that one of my neighbors in my apartment building, Scott Attias, was a Licensed Massage Therapist.  We got to talking one day and agreed that we would do a trade with each other… I would design some promotional materials for his massage therapy practice in exchange for therapeutic massage for me.  I had never had professional massage before and was not all that comfortable with the idea of being touched, but my body and my being were aching so much I knew I had to take this direction.  I could not have asked for a more gentle and kind person to assist me in healing at that time.  I was in such a fragile state and he was able and willing to be with me in that space and treated me very gently without judgement.  He also turned me on to an author named Catherine Ponder and specifically her book called the Prospering Power of Love.  I used this book like a lifeline to get me through the day.  So simple but beautiful and elegant in its focusing on love and affirmations.  I found my mind was prone to erratic distractions and I used this book to keep me focused on something beautiful and lovely.  I would read it on the bus.  I even used the ideas and affirmations to get me through the end of my seasonal job at Jazzfest.  When others were getting stressed and freaking out… I would go into my own little world and meditate on love and the messages of the book.  I didn’t let myself drift into the stress of the event and meetings etc.  And for the most part I looked and felt peaceful. I remember one day at Jazzfest a colleague, worn and ragged, looked at me and said,  “why is it that you look like that and we look like this?”  I looked peaceful because I was working very attentively to keep myself focused on love.

A few years later I moved to a new apartment in the same general Mid-City neighborhood.  Still feeling very hidden from the world and learning to function, I found my way to Reiki… or should I say Reiki found its way to me.  One day while walking down Carrollton Avenue I saw my Massage Therapist, Scott.  I shared with him the spiritual growth I was experiencing working with Mahdi and his group and that I felt an instinct that I could heal with my hands.  His response was, you should try Reiki.  Ding!  A light bulb went off within in me.  I knew it was for me.  I found out years later that Scott knew about Reiki because my Reiki teacher, Elizabeth Ohmer Pellegrin, had contacted him.  And she contacted him because she was struck by his attractive promotional materials that were… designed by me as she was looking for someone to design a brochure for her Reiki practice.  So it all came full circle.  The next day I found a flier for Reiki at my yoga studio and soon after  I attended my first degree Reiki Class taught by Elizabeth.  It was my first time spending an extended period of time with people… perhaps since I had gone off my meds.  The class was all weekend…. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday.  I felt a little nervous and awkward…but was clear that I wanted to be in the class!

In first degree Reiki you receive four initiations connecting you to the Reiki energy.  After just the first initiation the energy is flowing through your hands and you can give yourself a self-treatment.  During the Reiki class for the first time I felt something let go… something in me that  I was holding onto so tightly and so deeply I hadn’t even known how to let go.  It was my first true deep experience of some relief since I had gone off the meds and it gave me … hope.  Hope that I could possibly relax and be at ease with myself, others and my body.

I explored other ways to increase my sense of well-being.  I looked at my diet and began eating healthy and eliminated sugar and caffeine from my diet.  I began attending regular Reiki groups and connecting with and meeting new people through Reiki.  I met older wiser women who felt safe and comfortable like warm milk.  And even some young, fresh exciting energy…  One bolt of energy came in the form of a new friend, Christian Callen, then known as Herb… tall, handsome and sweet with lots of enthusiasm.  He had been doing personal work with an organization called Landmark Education and was encouraging me to attend the Landmark Forum.  I attended an introduction to the forum and was excited and delighted to feel some possibility in my life after so many years of so much challenge.  I was hesitant to participate in the weekend as it cost about $400.  As it turns out my Reiki teacher, Elizabeth had also done work with Landmark Education and had met her husband through that work.  She also knew my landlord through Landmark Education and they were old friends.  I learned that my landlord was a former Seminar Leader in Landmark Education and Elizabeth encouraged me to ask her for advice.  You see, I didn’t have ANY money to attend the Forum and once I did have the money, I still didn’t know how I would pay rent for the upcoming month.  So I asked my landlord what to do.  She said it was my decision… my risk to take and her recommendation was for me to make a list of people I could borrow money from and start with the last person I would ask for money and ask them.  Just then my sister beeped in on the other line.  There she was, the last person I would ask for money.  So I took a risk and asked her and she and her generous husband said yes and I took a leap and went to the Landmark Forum in Houston, Texas.  And that weekend, while I was at the forum in Houston, Hurricane Katrina hit… The good news was that I didn’t need to worry about coming up for next month’s rent anymore…

But the truth of it was, being in the Landmark Forum and then participating in Landmark Seminars in Austin, Texas where I relocated for a bit pushed me back out into the world.   It wasn’t easy.  I didn’t always like it, but I was doing it and that was what I needed at the time.

And now here I am in Germany, sometimes stumbling, still unfolding.  And I have been off of Paxil now for about 8 years.  Still learning to relax and play.  Practicing being present and allowing things to be. And exploring being at ease with myself and others… but now in a whole new context!  Sometimes daily I still want or need to retreat or feel unease for reasons I don’t totally understand.. but I am moving and shaking in my own little way.

It’s so great look back and see all the faces and powerful, lovely people who were so critical to me in my healing during that crucial time of change.  And today I feel lighter and easier… but still shifting and growing.

SUPPORT
And for those of you reading, friends and dare I to think… strangers, I am so glad you are there.  My cheerleaders back in New Orleans who will never give up.  New friends and relations in Europe, inspiring me to have courage and helping me to open my heart. Friends and family throughout the States.  Thanks for supporting me!

And, yeah additional support at this time would be… well, extraordinary.  Support to enable me to make the next move.  Support to take a risk and say yes to an invitation or opportunity!  This can be prayers, words of inspiration, connections and direction…and it can be money.  If you like, you can contribute to my journey and my blog through the contribute section.  Any contribution is really honored and appreciated. And thank you to those of you who already have contributed.

And, if you like you can contribute to and be a part of the exciting…
GYPSY WOMAN SCHOOL OF LIFE SCHOLARSHIP FUND!
What is this you ask?  A simple, easy and affordable way to support this Gypsy as she continues down the road of growth and lessons in life, learning to be herself (myself), learning to trust, let her guard down, explore and expand.  And learning to trust spirit, a higher power, God as my true caretaker and guide on this journey.  Interested?  Here is how you can contribute.

Make a commitment to donate a small amount monthly for the remainder of my journey…(through May 2012). Choose a contribution level and donate your initial gift via the link below. In future months you will receive a friendly monthly email reminder with a link to make an easy on-line payment.  As a “thank you” for donating to the scholarship fund you will receive a complimentary distant Reiki treatment… plus, good karma, as well as my appreciation and gratitude…

SCHOLARSHIP FUND CONTRIBUTION LEVELS:

The Wandering Flower.  For $5/a month help this wandering flower soothe her soul.  You will also receive a complimentary 15 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Blossoming Rose.  For $8/a month help this blossoming rose satisfy her spirit.  You will also receive a complimentary 20 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Playful Posy.  For $10/a month help this playful posy regain her strength.  You will also receive a complimentary 25 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Soulful Sunflower.  For $20/a month help this soulful sunflower begin again.  You will also receive a complimentary 30 minute Reiki Treatment.

The Flowering Lotus.  For $50/a month help this flowering lotus know and trust.  You will also receive a complimentary 60 minute Reiki Treatment.

To participate and contribute, simply use the donate link below.  Enter the monthly amount of the level at which you are contributing.  And that’s it!  In future months you will receive an email with a simple link for your next offering.

A few things I feel inspired to do at this point include:  working more with the organization Art of Living and attending their Art of Silence Course , I’d like to spend a month in Berlin for opportunities to learn, live and grow, I want to purchase a bicycle or repair an old one to give me a little freedom to move around while living in Wettensbostel and even traveling.  And I want to say yes to invitations to go visit and be with people in other areas of Europe.

Currently I am making my way in Europe through the generous opportunity to do an exchange with my current hosts… cleaning rooms at the seminar haus, some light cooking and meal preparation, some gardening and weeding…  I have given a few Reiki treatments here in Europe and also some distant treatments for friends back in the States.  And I even have the inkling of a graphic design client. And as always I am open and available for work.

Whew, well, it is Tuesday evening here and today has been beautiful, warm and sunny…  Thanks for taking the time to read this blog entry!…The day is coming to a close and I am ready to relax and let go.  So, until the next time…

Yours in spirit and adventure,

Gypsy Woman (also known as Nancie, I mean Teresa… or… well..you know…)

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My name is Teresa…

29 Jul

This isn’t any sort of formal announcement or anything… no large declaration to the world.  Just my meanderings on my blog you know… while I am living in Germany… when just three months ago I was selling shiitake mushrooms in New Orleans.  You see, for some time now, some thing has been creeping inside of me… maybe creeping isn’t the right word… but it is there nonetheless….  that…I feel like my name is…Teresa.  For those of you not in the “feeling” world this may sound a little odd, but for some time now… perhaps the last few years, every time I say my name is Nancie, I almost feel like I am lying.  And somewhere beneath the surface I hear and feel… my name is Teresa.

Teresa, if you have read the “about me” section is not a strange name to me… not some cryptic renaming… but in fact my middle name… and my confirmation name… and also my sister’s middle name.  For years we have heard and told the story of how my mom was told by doctors that she was not going to be able to have children and she prayed to St. Teresa the little flower telling her if she could have children she would name us after her… and voila… here we are!… over the years St. Teresa has always been a friend to me… she has made her way to me through prayer cards mysteriously showing up in a book at the public library and coffee table at a friend’s house.  I even went to visit her when Pope John Paul sent her ruins on a world tour and she made her way to New Orleans.  Visiting her remains in New Orleans was more like going to a mardi gras parade than a “holy” ceremony.  I got knocked out-of-the-way more than once and people’s hands were up in the air as if expecting beads to be flung from the casket.  But at any rate, Teresa, there she was…

When I first started feeling this name emerge from… ya know… within me… I started playing with using the name as my own in New Orleans.  At the time I was assisting in seminars through an organization called Landmark Education, and they were playful enough to give me three nametags to use during the seminar… Nancie, Nancie Teresa, and Teresa… of which I could interchange and shift as I chose… A friend who I dated for a little bit in New Orleans called me Teresa and I don’t know… it was just nice.  It just felt like in being called that he saw something in me.  Something in me that needed to be seen and was convoluted with all of the “whatever” of being Nancie, nothing personal to Nancie… And so since then I have been using my first and middle name… kind of bringing Teresa into the picture so that if someday I decided to go by that name, perhaps it would not be so … unexpected.

But I put this idea away… somewhere in a drawer labeled “normal people don’t change their names…” and moved on with my life (which as you know included putting my closet full of belongings in storage, buying a ticket to Europe, and moving to Wettenbostel, Germany to live and work with Reiki Masters… sounds pretty normal to me…).

And then recently I made a new friend.  We will call him Fred.  Fred was attending a workshop here in Wettenbostel at the Seminar Haus.  During the seminar I helped out as staff, assisting with dinner, cleaning up… but other than that I was locked up in my shyness or protectiveness or something. I would do my best to smile and be friendly to folks, but mostly kept myself separate.  Then one night while I was at the end of the night washing dishes… Fred came in the kitchen and started a conversation…and I was sort of like… why is this guy talking to me… but he was nice and so… we chatted for a little bit.  I was leaving in the next few days to go to Berlin and then on to Hamburg, so I gave Fred a business card so he could email and keep in touch.  He read the name on the card outloud  “Nancie Teresa…” and I loved the way that Teresa rang in my body as he said it… “Teresa…”

As it turned out Fred lived very close to where I was staying in Hamburg so we connected and spent a little time together.  And one day he asked me, “which name do you like better… Nancie or Teresa…”.  Funny you should ask I thought… so I said, “Teresa”… and from then on to him I was Teresa.  How fun!  It was so great to get the messages pop up on facebook… “hello Teresa!…” You get the picture.

I played with it a little while in Hamburg, trying to keep track of who I told my name was Nancie already, so as not to confuse them and who I hadn’t.  When strangers I met asked me what my name was I said,… “Teresa”… and there it was, like a seed growing curiously…

A little about St. Teresa.  I can’t say that I am an expert on her, know everything about her, but I can tell you she was connected to flowers and said that after she died she would send a shower of roses to the earth.  She was a nun and lived in a convent when she was very young and was a mystic… had visions and intense connections and experiences with God.   She was also known as the saint of the little things… showing her love and dedication not through large great acts, but through the intimacy and intricacy of the little things, the daily things.

And here I am in Wettenbostel, trying to learn to get out of my way to find the joy in the little things… the flowers, the weeding of the garden, cleaning the rooms, doing the dishes.  Remembering the message from my Reiki Teacher Elizabeth to be really present and to put all of my love into the work that I do while I am here.  “Wax on wax off…” she said.

Again this is not some big declaration, but an inquiry… a curiosity, an expansion… Teresa.  And hoping my sister does not mind if I use the name in case she too one day wants to use it and then we would both be Teresa, talking about my sister Teresa… anyway, I digress…

As you may have guessed, I have returned to Wettenbostel beginning my journey back into the world of the little things.  Seeing if I can give myself permission to actually just relax and enjoy myself being here.  In some way it feels so indulgent.  I let it go for just a moment today, sitting on the porch of the “big house” watching the willow tree sway in the wind surrounded by the gardens of flowers.

We have a new visitor right now who is a Reiki Master from Holland and other guests will begin to arrive in the next days as we prepare for our next event… Friends and Reiki.  A collection of Friends in Europe who all practice Reiki will be coming next week for a few days of spending time together and sharing Reiki.  Some will arrive early to take in the sometimes slow and leisurely pace of the country and the seminar haus.

And I, well right now I am dabbling in a book called “the soulmate secret” by Arielle Ford that my American friend here lent to me.  And I had to laugh when as I was reading it a band practicing nextdoor at the village outdoor theater struck up the song “here comes the bride”… anyway… another day.  Another day back in Wettenbostel. And the little things.

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